"Am I...?"

"There is NOTHING more rare, nor more beautiful, than a woman being unapologetically herself; Comfortable in her perfect imperfection. To me, that is the true essence of beauty."-Steve Maraboli 

Growing up I wasn't one of the girls who got "dooped" from the false fairytales on tv. Be it a love story or a Disney princess, I wasn't one to gasp and sit in awe that one day that would be me. In all honesty I never really believed it would be. Every love story I had ever seen the girl was beautiful, fit and kind of for a lack of better words amazing. 

My mind didn't go to "one day that would be me" but rather thousands of "am I's". Am I pretty enough? Am I fit enough? Am I curvy enough? Am I good enough? Am I a wife? Am I wife material? Am I the wanted and chosen type? 

For years, with the help of the enemy and all the puppets he used, my answers to those questions were no. For years, I wasn't good enough. I wasn't pretty enough. I was the type, if I had a crush or was feeling a guy no one would know. I didn't have those giddy girl talks about who I liked. I never expressed it to friends and never showed the guys interest. I was shutting myself off to the possibility of the one thing I wanted.

The problem with the "Am I's", whatever you answer is how others will treat you as well. If you don't think you are pretty enough, good enough, small enough, etc you will close yourself off. When you do that you have this wall around your heart and an invisible sign on your forehead that says "unapproachable, back off"! And the very thing you desire you are forcing away because of your own beliefs.

"Whatsoever a man thinks so is he."-Proverbs 23:7 

Often times we sit around wondering where boaz is, never realizing we are telling men "do not approach" from our own inner "demons". Honey, if you don't think you are good enough why in the world should he? If you don't think you are pretty why would he approach you? You are giving off all the wrong vibes and you don't even know it. To want something that you don't think you are good enough for is like wanting something you will never have. It just doesnt work. 

So, if there is something you desperately don't like change it. If you aren't happy with your image, your flaws, your imperfections, etc don't expect a man to find joy in them. Men want a confident woman, not one that they have to continually convince they think they are pretty, or that they love them, or that they aren't fat, or that they like this or that. No body wants to spend all their time convincing their partner or spouse of something they don't believe. 

Honey, you want to do something? You want that happily ever after? You want that fairytale? Learn to love you just as you are! Learn to answer those "Am I's" with a confident YES!! That man can never love you beyond your love for yourself! Why? Because if you don't love you, you'll never believe he does. 

It's okay to be wanted! It's okay to want to be chosen. To want to be found beautiful in his sight. First you must know that you deserve all of that. And yes, regardless of what anyone has previously told you...even yourself, YOU ARE WORTH IT!!! You are good enough. You are pretty enough. 

Until next time,

Kaitlyn

Truth is...Life is a game!!!

My Pastor teaches us that God can be found in anything...if you're looking for Him. Lately, in this thing called life I have been determined to consciously look for God. For what He thinks, how He feels, how He sees things. I just have this desperation for Him, His character and His ways. My prayer this morning was that He would show me what I was missing. That He would open my eyes, so that I could continue in life. But not just continue, that I might go forth with my head high. With faith and peace like none other. That through today He would speak a revelation that would change not my circumstances but ME! He did just that.

I love all things sports. Correction, I love playing them. LOL! You won't catch me watching them much, I get bored easily. Playing them on the other hand, I enjoy that. I am by no means good at it either. LBVS! In fact, at most of them I'm pretty bad. Hey, I'm just being honest. My 3 favorite sports to play would have to be basketball, volleyball and softball. I work with children and currently at our summer camp I am the most active teacher they have. You will constantly hear them yelling "Ms Kaitlyn come play such and such with me." Be it catch, volleyball, kick ball and their favorite a one on one game of basketball. Now let me remind you I am NOT good, I play because I enjoy it. 

Today, a 11yr old who plays extremely well challenged me to a game. Now let me clarify, HE IS GOOD!!! He's the type that will shoot a 3 in your face and make it. He will take you to the whole and make it. The game went back and forth. Something in me, although I'm not the best player kept shooting. Everytime I got the ball I shot. I didn't play around and try to out handle him...I knew I couldn't. He was quick. But what I had on him was 2 things a determination and fire deep with in me that some little kid wouldn't beat me. Even though in all honest he may have been better. I started to get tired around the 30-40 point mark. But at that point in the game he had 8-10 points on me from shooting 3's. And I couldn't end the game until I won. 

Now, over 1hr into the game the score was 68-62. I was winning. I called it, next point wins! I had the ball and shot to win the game. I was tired. I was beat. But I won. And then, God spoke. His revelation almost brought me to my knees. 

"You won't look like you are winning all the time. Sometimes it will appear as if you are being dominated. But, it's all in your determination...to just keep shooting. To just keep moving. To just keep believing. To just keep going. To just keep playing. Life is a game. And just like this game, you only have two opponents. 1. Yourself and every lie or excuse you give yourself as to why you "cant"! 2. A little pint size enemy who really can't beat you no matter how hard he tries. That "kid" gave it everything he had but still loss. Why? Because you had the upper hand, he couldn't physically

reach you. So it is with the enemy. When in position he cannot touch you. He can appear like he is doing everything under the sun but he cannot cause you to loose. Only you can do that. Life is a game. Play to win. I have designed it for you to win but it won't just be handed to you. You have to want it. And no matter how inexperienced you feel, I will see to it that you will come out the winner."

So I say to you, keep things in perspective. Your enemy is pint size. He cannot beat you unless you give up. If it looks like defeat, hold on because that is not your promised end. And remember life is a game, play the game to win.

Until next time,

Kaitlyn

"You don't love Me"

I have been saved for 10 years. For 10 years I have recognized and labeled myself as a Christian, as a disciple. I have proclaimed and bragged on His great love for me. I have prayed, I have studied, I have served, given, paid tithes and offering. I have tried to better myself, laying my life down best I knew how and even tried my best to follow His commands. Well at least the ones I knew about. 

Self-interrogation and what I call #heartchecks are some difficult processes to go through. I mean you're basically being shown how messed up you really are. It's painful. It's hard to be shown yourself especially when it's something you just knew it couldn't be true. My Pastor has asked the question "Do you love God" several times, for illustration purposes, throughout the years. Of course, everyone answers yes without thought. Without evaluation all hands go up. Thinking to ourselves what kind of question is that.

Often times we skate through life avoiding the hard questions. We avoid questioning ourselves, in turn giving this wicked heart/being the benefit of the doubt. I mean whether in a church setting or not what Christian in their right mind would say they don't love God. But I ask, what Christian in their right mind would assume just because they profess a belief and a life lived for Him that somehow that equates to love. I mean it must right? Who would attend church, who would claim the life without first loving Him?

"If you love me, show it by doing what I've told you."John 14:15

In other versions it says "obey".

"Then Samuel said, Do you think all God wants are sacrifices---empty rituals just for show? He wants you to listen to Him! Plain listening is the thing, not staging a lavish religious production. Not doing what God tells you is far worse than fooling around in the occult. Getting self-important around God is far worse than making deals with your dead ancestors. Because you said No to God's command, he says No to your kingship."

And then, there it was, one day what seemed like out of no where a still small voice said "You don't love Me." I wept, I whined "but I do." Because I would never say it, He said it for me. Because I would never utter those words out of my mouth He said it. Little did I know I uttered it from my heart for years. For years I gave God the pieces of my life that I wanted Him to have. I gave Him access to parts of me while still holding onto what control I thought I had. And because I just knew there was no way He could use this wicked mess of a life for His glory I hide. I ran. I obeyed only when it was comfortable or when it wouldn't end in me making a fool of myself. I gave Him part of me. While He, He gave me all of Him. All His love, all His forgiveness, all His peace, all His character. For the first time I saw the true wickedness of my heart and I was broken. Yet and still He loved me as He comforted me.

"Daughter I have not shown you truth to break you or shame you but to get your attention. If anything were to happen I would hate to meet you at my gates and you not be allowed in. Find your place sitting at my feet and doing what I instruct."

Sometimes the word hurts. It was designed to. The word is a two edged sword designed to cut and divide the soul from  the spirit. This blog may not sit well with some and that is okay. But I ask you this, just like He asked me, "Do you really love Him?"

Until next time,
Kaitlyn Marie

"Return to Sender"

Have you ever got mail that wasn't yours? How about sending something and it being sent back? Maybe you wrote the address wrong. Maybe the person you intended it for moved. Whatever the reason, the letter or package delivery was denied! 

I have been preparing for a trip to Atlanta this week, in that preparation because I believe the trip is purposeful the enemy has come fairly strong. Nothing new of course, but nonetheless hurtful....IF I allow it. You see in order for us to be tripped up, caught up, torn up...in order for him to gain ground over us a few things must take place. First off, we have to deny truth. When we get down, depressed, sad, let our circumstances be all we see, etc we must believe whatever the enemy is suggesting. We believe whatever is being said, done, etc is our end product. In order to do that we have to deny truth. We have to deny what God says, has said, etc. Second, when we choose the lies over God that is like saying "this is just too big for Him." In saying that, you are taking away from who He is. 

So, back to me and my preparation. LOL! For the past few weeks I have had so many....um, tests if you will. This week, I had to make the decision to either entertain foolishness or stand firm in what I know to be true which is God is my protector. I had a certain person repeatedly tell me that I would be rapped or kidnapped in ATL. Or you know, planes crash all the time, you shouldn't go. Well, guess what? As I type this blog ON THE PLANE, I'm going. However, it was on me and me alone to choose what I will believe. 

Now, those of you that don't know my story are probably wondering why such foolish talk was a test for me. But when I was 10 years old my brother started molesting me. And while living in Alabama in 2010 I was almost rapped. So, for a person to joke about that was a touchy place. However, like I said it was on me which "truth" I would believe. I could travel or worst live in fear or I could stamp those lies "return to sender". As a result, choosing to live from my free place. The place where I know whose I am. The place where I know I am protected. This week, I choose my free place. I choose God's truth over the lies of the enemy. Some of you reading this need to tell that thought, idea, rehearsed experience, etc "return to sender"! And never return to those places that previously tripped you up.

Until next time, 

Kaitlyn Marie

I don't need you...

I have spent most of my life as the "needy one". I needed someone to love me but I didn't love me. I needed someone to approve of my life but I questioned everything. I needed to be notice but I hated when people notice anything. Like paying me a compliment was completely uncomfortable. I wanted to be valued but I didn't even value myself. I needed validation in every single thing. I needed to remain in constant communication with people daily because I despised being left to myself. If I went a single day without talking to someone, anyone, I felt alone. I know crazy right. 

I am 26 years old, imagine living much of 26 years of life completely dependent on people. I lived a life where not only was I needy, but I had to feel needed. I associated need with love. If you didn't need me, there is no way you could love me. I mean if you have no need for me in your life how can that be love?

"TRUST GOD  COMPLETELY AND MAN DISCREETLY"

I have been reading this book and I would like to share part of it with you...

"Every time we get out of balance, we open a door for the devil. I had been leaning on the ladies in this group and placing in them the trust that belongs only to God. We can go only so far in any human relationships. Always place your ultimate trust in the Lord."

When I read this chapter in Joyce Meyer's book "Battlefield of the Mind" it hit me like a ton of bricks. It was one of those "I have to repent now" truths. I read it only hours after someone I'm in relationship with told me "you don't need me". At the time, I'm not going to lie I was so confused like "what do you mean, yes I do". All I have known is neediness, so when someone says "you don't need me" it shook me to the core. And after drying my tears and getting myself out of offense Holy Spirit spoke. He called me out of that death trap called neediness.

Truth is, I don't need you. I don't need your friendship. I don't need your love. I don't need your approval. I don't need your acceptance. I don't need your gifts, time, attention, etc. I don't need you to encourage me, notice me or validate me on any level. Truth is that's God job. And anytime we place those needs on anyone other than Him, we give license for that person to take a spot in our hearts and life that is solely for Him. So, no I don't need you. And this is not at all me being cocky. God absolutely uses people to fulfill needs. But we must know that our need is for the giver not the one presenting the gift. That's like going to a kids birthday party and the child only going to the other children to thank them. You know dang gone well that child didn't buy that gift.

So, no I don't need you. We can enjoy relationships with people. God places people in our lives. Yes, encouragement is nice. Absolutely, love is needed. And all the other things we "need". Often times, it is not the need that is the problem, however who we are looking to fulfill it. The only one we will ever have need for is God. And since He isn't floating down on a cloud to personally hand us stuff, people are used. So it is easy to get tripped up and say we need them and glorify what they provide but we have to shake that. It is God alone who provides absolutely everything that we need.

LORD I NEED YOU ALONE!!!

Until next time,

Kaitlyn Marie 

Truth is, you have no idea...

I've been through my share of hard times in my lifetime. I grew up in a non affectionate household. One in which the most love one received is a joke at your expense or shoving you or bumping into you as they walk past. When repeatedly being told I was doing something wrong I was often met with the excuse "you know that's just him saying he loves you." At the tender age of 10 I started being molested by a family member. Only to be told I was lying and how could I do this to the family when I finally came out and confessed what was being done to me. It was at that moment that I truly owned the thought "your voice doesn't matter." If people knew this, if they knew of my past they would understand why I struggle with hugs. They would know why I don't like people in my space. People would understand why I still cringe when people I don't yet trust touch me. 

From then on I vowed to myself to never let anyone else hurt me the way I grew up being hurt. I would be in control. So, no matter how bad I wanted relationships I kept everyone at a arms length. Truth is, I didn't know how to love because I had never been shown what it really looked like. And when love Himself showed up, I couldn't accept it. I had been degraded so much that I couldn't believe He could love a flawed and imperfect person like me. I saw the wickedness of my heart, I saw my past, I heard my thoughts replaying...in my logically mind, He couldn't love me. 

My outward stance portrayed my inner hurt. I was stand off-ish, non engaging, I was often the one to observe but never speak. I was labeled the mean one, the hateful one. I was often told how I offended people simply by not welcoming them. I was told I was rude, a horrible people person, etc. I was often picked on and called out because I didn't engage. I have been judged in the places I never thought I would be. Before ever getting to know me I was labeled. 

I have been physically and mentally abused for years. I've faced homelessness. I've had to depend on people for even the most basic of needs more times than I can count. I still live in the house I got molested in, I still walk past the rooms I was touched in. In 2010 I was almost raped. I have had more people walk out on me than I've had stay. I have had friends who have chosen to suffer in silence because they wish not to be a burden. I've had people go through hell and back without ever knowing anything. I've heard stories of people who commit suicide and family or friends say "I was just with them, I knew nothing. I wish I paid more attention." 

I don't tell these stories, I don't share my "secret" pains for a pity party. Instead to tell you, YOU HAVE NO IDEA what people go through. Often times we walk past, overlook and judge the ones hurting the most. You didn't speak to me today, I haven't heard from you in a week, I'm tired of being the one to reach out, he/she always looks mean, he/she won't talk to me, etc. We put labels on people we never take the time to understand. Have you ever once prayed for them? Have you gone to the throne room of God and asked Him for insight into their heart, hurt and lives? Have you asked to understand them?

I have been on both sides of this. I have been the one who is judged. The one who is labeled because I'm stand off-ish. The one who is talked about because I'm still growing. The one who is judged because I'm still healing. But I have also been the one assuming, judging and labeling. They don't have time for me, the relationship must have been seasonal, they must be mad at me, this always happens to me, they and them this or that. Pointing the finger and judging before I take any time to pray.

If I have learned anything this past year, it's that we often have no idea what hell, hurt or torment others have gone or are going through. We have no idea what pain has pierced their hearts. We have no idea why they are the way they are. Instead of jumping to conclusions, instead of judging a book by its cover we should take into consideration the fact that often times people have complete wars going on that we know nothing about.

If only we could learn to have a compassionate response. If only we could have a understanding and prayerful response. You have no idea what I've been through. Most have no idea what I'm going through. You have no idea what someone else has going on. You are not the only person in this fight called life. You are not the only one being attacked. You are not the only one going through. You are not the only one with a painful past. You are not the only one being tested and tried. And you have no idea what those around you go through. Have a little compassion! Have a little understanding! Pray a little! Have a response that covers instead of exposing!

Until next time,
Kaitlyn

He loves me...He loves me not!

Morning confessions:

Without accepting and owning God's love for YOU, it will be nearly impossible for you to believe anyone genuinely loves you. You will be quick to guard up, you will look for slip ups, in the back of your mind you will think they will leave too, it's only temporary, they won't stay, they'll end up hurting you too, they just want something, it's conditional, or some other form of foolishness.

Generally these feelings are lies spoken from past experiences in which you have allowed abandonment, hurt, and the past to map out your future because you believe it will always be the same. You will always be hurt, people will always leave, they will always use you, etc(just add whatever your "always" has been)!

Often times what we don't realize is that the root cause of these repeated cycles is in fact us. Without accepting Christ's great, unexplainable, irreplaceable, unmeasurable love for us it is impossible for us to love or be loved!! Why? Because if we deny love Himself we will always reject it. When love tries to enter our lives we don't see it as love because our definitions of love have always been false.

For me, love wasn't consistent. It wasn't affectionate. Often times it was abusive and degrading. It was using and when people got all they wanted they left. So naturally when love showed up, when it knocked on the brick walls of my heart I denied it. When embraced or touched I was so uncomfortable. I still struggle with being loved on. And now at almost 26 years old I ask myself, Why can't I love? Why don't I believe that I am loved? Why can't I believe people love me? And finally, after years of searching, I've finally found the answer. I've finally gotten to the root of the problem. 1. I don't believe God could love a flawed and imperfect person like me! And that...that one belief has held me captive. That one belief, as inaccurate as it is, kept me from the very thing I had been searching and longing for! 2. I didn't love me!

"And you must love the LORD your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength. The second is equally important: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' No other commandment is greater than these."-Mark 12:30-31

You see, in order to love others you must love you. In order to love you, you must love God. The thing about loving God accurately is you must first accept His love for you. If you are missing love, either receiving or giving, it's because of one of two things 1. You aren't allowing God to love you OR 2. You aren't loving you. Love is drawn to those who pursue it. And since God is love we must pursue Him if we want love. I mean real, authentic, unconditional love. I don't know about you but that's what I'm after. I've had enough false love throughout my life. But now that I'm searching, I've have real and authentic love all around me as well. We must learn to let love in. Let God in. Allow Him to love on us so that in turn we can love on us and we give others the liberty to do the same.

Until next time,

Kaitlyn 

The Blessings of an Outsider...

Have you ever noticed a unsaved person "receive the world"! I mean like really have it good. Like where everything always seems to fall in line for them. If they have bumps, they get over them quickly. If they hit moments of pressure they seem to be rescued quickly. Have you ever hit a moment where it angered you? A time when you looked at God like really? You got me looking like a fool while they seem to get everything handed to them so easily. Why can't it be that easy for me? Don't be ashamed or embarrassed, I think we've all had moments like this. Moments where it seems like we are loosing and they are winning.

 I, in fact, had a extremely trying week. One in which I was tested to the very core of all I stand for and all I believe. This morning while in prayer, while having one of my "I trust you but why? Help me understand the process you have me in" moments, Holy Spirit broke it down so simply. He simply said "they don't need to mature." As I inquired more, He allowed me to see what I previously couldn't: my process is the way it is because it is designed for me to GROW UP. Our process is designed for "forced maturity"! It is designed for change, designed for dependency, designed for death.

"For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow!"-James 3:1

The Holy Spirit gave me this example of two people on separate roads and I don't think I will ever look at tests the same. Imagine that two people are on two roads. The roads have the same starting point. But one road has speed bumps, traffic jams, construction, etc. The road is a process BUT getting to the destination isn't impossible. In fact no matter what is along the way the destination doesn't change. The speed bump doesn't take away from the destination. It doesn't change where that person is going. Now the other road is clear. The path is easier. Not much traffic. No construction.

 Often times this is what it looks like for the saved vs. unsaved. It seems as though at times they have it easy. It seems as though we go through hell and back. God spoke to me and said "that's because of the difference in destinations. The enemy has no need to throw any set backs at the person who will end with Him anyways. It's the ones who have a destiny with Me that need to be stopped." I mean when you think about it why "mess with" someone who is on your team? It's not that God doesn't see us and it's not that our destiny or promises are being taken from us or withheld. In fact, they don't change. It's just we need to mature and the enemy wants to stop us. So yes our roads will be rocky at times. Yes, we will see the end and take so long to get there. Yes the world may seem to have it better while we are in our seasons of drought. We must learn to keep our eyes on the destination instead of the trials of today. At the end we will make it to where He has planned.

The outsider isn't "more blessed", they just aren't attacked because they don't have much to loose. The enemy only attacks and tries to torment those with treasure. So if you are being tested, if you are struggling with seeing those unsaved people get it so easy, just remember your destination. Remember that it is worth it all. Remember what you are fighting for and stay in the ring with your eyes stayed on Him.

Until next time loves,
Kaitlyn

Am I being punished???

I don't know about anyone else but I've had days where ABSOLUTELY nothing goes right. Days where it seems like everything and everyone is working in one big scheme against me. Of course that isn't true but have you ever had one of those days? A day where so much happens that you end up asking the question "God where are you, am I being punished". 

Maybe you feel like that "off day" is a direct result of your minimal prayer life. Or because you slipped back into fornication? Maybe you feel you are being punished for a choice you made or maybe even in one you didn't: not choosing Him. Perhaps you cursed someone out, walked passed a sick person and did nothing, perhaps you doubted Him or maybe even stopped going to church. 

Guess what, none of that really matters. At least not enough for "punishment". The amazing thing about this relationship is that He loves us in spite of ourselves. And to take it a step further, He knew EVERYTHING we would do and chose us anyway. Now to try and grasp that type of love may be hard for some. 

God wants us to choose Him. He is not in the punishing business. The thing we fail to realize is from the moment we open our eyes, even before our feet hit the floor there is a fight and war going on. Satan and God are DAILY fighting for our souls. Now Satan can't win unless we give him power he doesn't have BUT that will not stop him from trying. 

We have to step off of the position of offense, guilt and being ashamed. We are not a perfect people but we are His. We are chosen. We are protected in Him. So when a "bad day" comes face it with understanding. A understanding that you know whose you are. A understanding that says "devil I see your tactics but I chose God and His truth". Truth is, that's all it's about anyway. God just wants to know where our heart is. Will we choose Him or ourselves? I vow to choose Him! This year I vow to step out of living a life of offense, guilt and one that makes me feel like I'm not good enough for His love. We may never "deserve it" but one thing is for sure it will NEVER be taken away. So no, you are not being punished. You are just in the greatest fight ever and you're just the pawn. The question is, whose pawn will you be? 

Until tomorrow,

Kaitlyn   

Giving my "Love"...

What really is love? Truth is most of us really don't even know. We know the definition we have grown to understand but is it really love? I have struggled with the idea of love almost my entire life. Growing up I had the biggest void in my heart. Of course I didn't know at the time how to fill it. Often times I couldn't even pinpoint what was missing. I didn't know what I needed, I just knew something wasn't there. 

Because of a variety of things that happened to me as a child I have struggled with abandonment for as long as I remember. Almost any relationship I have entered it has been a constant thought and fear of when are they going to leave because I know they will. You see, growing up, to me love was extreme disciple at the drop of a hat followed by weeks on end of being ignored. I lived with both extremes: not being noticed and being noticed at all the wrong times. Growing up, I equated love with staying when all signs say leave. Love was equal to time. The longer I knew you, the more you loved me. I convinced myself that you don't leave because it's love. 

I never once looked for genuineness, after all I didn't even know what I was looking for. One thing I did know is I never wanted you to leave. I would go to great lengths to try to "make you see value in me". I wanted you to see and value what I didn't even value: me! As I am, completely different me. The problem was my fear of people leaving never allowed me the opportunity to truly be myself. To this day many have merrily scratched the surface. So instead of allowing you the possible opportunity to not like me, I did what I thought you wanted. And for the fake relationships it worked great. Until of course they found something better. 

I would give my all into loving others...financially! But when it came to giving myself I kept those walls up. For most of my life my love has been materialistic and selfish. Subconsciously I truly believed that I could buy or earn love. That if I did enough right things, that if I bought or gave enough, that if I did what you needed no matter what position it put me in I was convinced you would stay. Truth is, all the money in the world couldn't make someone stay who was never truly there in the first place.

I sent a text to a friend of mine telling her one of my heart cries. I said "I need friends"! As we joked for a bit, it quickly turned serious as I got in my emotions and she quickly spotted out my fear. She said "it's as hard as you make it. You have to take a step out after prayer and know that people will be open to knowing you. You won't be rejected or left to yourself." Because of the spirit of rejection that has followed me since childhood I have seemed to have this deep rooted fear that says "they won't like you". "You are too much this or not that". Instead of being myself, money was my alternative. In my mind it was what would get you to at least notice me. 

Growing up love was always based on what can you do for me. The moment you stopped doing the fights started. The silent treatment started. The separation started. The word no was like a form of hate. So to me, if I loved someone I wouldn't say no. If you needed, I found a way to get. Even if I didn't love you and the relationship was new I would do as much stuff possible to "prove" myself. 

In 2014 I experienced and learned of love on levels I knew not of. I learned how to love by first loving myself. I learned when and how to give. So in 2015 I vow to give of myself. To give from a pure heart only when lead. In 2015 I vow to love like Christ. I vow to live a life poured out, not pockets poured out. Does this mean I will stop giving, absolutely not. It just means I will no longer give with hopes that it will "gain approval". With hopes that it will make lasting relationships. I will no longer feel like a let down or like I'll be left alone just because I said no. In 2015 I vow to live a life from the inside out. Will you join me? We are accepted and loved even when  we don't see it.

Until Tomorrow, 

Kaitlyn

Dear Inconsistency, Oh How I Hate You!!!!!!

Has anyone one else ever dreamed of that perfect person? Am I the only one who has envisioned that ideal disciple just to get enraged that I do not mirror what I see? To love like Christ consistently. To give without thought of self. The one who truly stays in their word day and night. 24/7! 365 days a year. The one who never goes without prayer, never lives a day without gratitude, doesn't know what fear looks like because it's never crossed their path. Have you ever dreamed of being the model disciple? The one who serves with such diligence. A follower who genuinely follows. One whom heals, delivers, speaks with power and walks in everything He has given them every day of their life. A disciple whom consistently represents this life with every breath they take and not a second goes by where they don't. One whom is perfect, without blame or fault or mistake. One who never takes the wrong step.

Truth is, aside from Christ, I'm not sure this person exists. I'm not sure there is one that will ever be found, on this side of heaven that is, that walks perfectly every single moment. After all, if we were a perfect people would we really have need for Him. If I gave perfectly all the time would I constantly need reminders of the law of sowing and reaping. If we really walked in our power to heal and deliver CONSTANTLY would we really have so many broken and sick people all around us? 

I've finally realized that my focus and desire has been all off. I have been so focused on being something I never will be: perfect! I didn't want to make any mistakes, I didn't want to ever have a "off day"! But how realistic is that? What makes it worst is I was so unbelievably hard on myself that at the first sight of not being that perfect image I had in my head I would retreat. I would shut down and my mind would do wonders on my emotions and I would be left with the mess to clean up. Feeling like the biggest failure all because I wasn't everything, to everyone all while staying at His feet all day. 

I have been the type that becomes broken at the slightest site of being imperfect all because my understanding was off. Let me clear this up for you, YOU WILL NEVER BE PERFECT!!! You will never have every day where you do everything right. But what I had to do was drill Ephesians 2:8-9 into my head. It says "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God--not by works, so that no one can boast." In other words , you can't do enough stuff right to gain or "deserve" what we received through Christ. However, we also can't do enough wrong that He can't right what we've done. 

What I've learned lately, and it's taken time to grasp, is that He loves me not because of me but because of Him. He loves me because He chose to. Now it's on me to choose to live a life pleasing to Him. A life of balance. A life of consistency. Does this mean I won't have off days, of course not. But I realize it is my choice. And every day, it will always be my choice. My choice to pray because I know what it does. My choice to be a student of the word because I know life's answers are in that book. It is my choice to love because He loved me. It is my choice to give because I understand His system. Everything is a choice, I hope we will choose what's right because we understand not because we want to be perfect. So I vow to be committed to consistent living. I want to resemble Christ every chance I get. 

Until Tomorrow,

Kaitlyn   

The Press

To be completely transparent with you guys, today I made up in my mind that I wasn't continuing the "30 Day Break Through Series". I am the type of person who doesn't continue things that don't yield immediate results. I've started countless things, most of which I've never finished. I hate the sight of failure so much that at the first sign of things not working I bail. I don't stick around waiting.

How many of you know, we don't have the ultimate say so. I mean God gave us the power of choice but He wants us to chose life. He wants us to choose Him. So please believe every time we want to choose ourselves there will be "something" that nudges us to say no. Don't do that. 

For me, I wanted to give up on this writing "assignment" because let's be honest I didn't want to do it in the first place. I've been programmed for years and years that I'm not good enough. I've been reminded almost daily how I won't amount to anything. Of course my circumstances are used against me. I log into blogger.com daily to see if my writing is making a difference. To see if I'm doing this for nothing. And when I log in and see only 3, 4 and 5 views I have to admit it cuts deep. 

Coming from a place where you have seemed to fail so much. A place where it seems like the negative is more accurate, I really am only left to choice. I could give up. I could stop writing. I could go back to the shut down girl I used to be. The one who never dared to share her thoughts or experiences or opinions or beliefs because she often felt like a fool. I could go back to the girl who felt she wasn't supported. The one who felt her voice didn't matter and what she had to say wasn't important enough to share. But truth is, that won't help. Running from pain, fear and disappointment doesn't help. They don't change the situation. Overcomes do just that they over come. This whole life and everything about it is a press. At times, I don't feel strong enough for it but it's crazy because He put something in me that simply won't let me fully through in the towel. And who am I to say He was wrong in choosing me? Who am I to say I'm not good enough when He already said I am? Who am I to give in when He never did. So this year, one day at a time, I vow to press. To press beyond myself. To press beyond my now. To press beyond what I see. To press beyond the lies in my own head. This year I vow to press! Will you join me?

Until Tomorrow,

Kaitlyn 

I could tell of Your goodness forever...

While in prayer today at church a Bethel song was playing, if you haven't heard their worship you are missing out. Don't ask me which song was playing though because I'm not 100% sure LOL! However, what I do remember is weeping before the lover of my soul. I remember thinking over my week and how good He was. The favor He showed me. The love He showed me. Then I thought of prior weeks, then my 2014, then when I was saved. My heart broke with such a gratitude. I just had this all consuming thankfulness flood my soul. 

As I stood there praying and worshiping my King, I thought to myself what if I ever run out of things to say? What if the praise and thanks ever leaves me? What if a time comes when I "forget" all He has already done? And then He spoke, "If you ever run out, cling to me more because there has been a breech. Somewhere, somehow your focus has been shifted. Somehow you have lost sight of not what I've done but who I am."  

And that truth, as thankful as I was for it, broke me even more. I remember times in my walk where I wasn't thankful. Times when I didn't see His goodness. I remember times when all my mind allowed me to see was pain. I couldn't see passed "what was happening to me". 

One of my favorite quotes by Charles R. Swindoll says "Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it". In other words why not praise through the storms? Why not fight to consciously remember His goodness? And let's not stop there, let's tell of His goodness. If He is really as good as we profess in church and to other believers why not tell non-believers? Why would we not always be caught telling of His goodness? This year I vow to consciously focus on His goodness! I vow to focus on Him, not myself. After all, He has been plenty good enough! 

Until Tomorrow,

Kaitlyn

Runaway

The other day I read a article about a juvenile housing facility for girls pulling the girls out for numerous reasons. In the article they discussed how several girls from that facility and others would run away. I thought to myself, I cannot imagine a life so horrible that I run away from what could be a good thing. I thought about the homes and families that genuinely want to help these girls. But my heart also ached for these girl as I tried to imagine a life so broken that would cause me to run from help, love and sincerity. 

A moment later Holy Spirit said "how do you think I feel"? He brought an image of a runaway bride to my mind. As He did I tried to put myself in the grooms shoes. I tried to imagine how he could possibly feel. How he could stand there with all that love just to get left. How he could stand wide open, withholding nothing, transparent and bare yet within moments completely broken. My heart couldn't imagine that type of pain. But even more I couldn't imagine the type of love it would take to go after her. To try to hide my discomfort and hurt for the sake of a future with her. To try my best to convince her she is making a mistake.

My mind just couldn't grasp that type of pain or that type of love. But then God reminded me of how He is the bridegroom. How every time I choose myself, every time I run I am leaving Him at the alter. And just like the runaways, what could be good for us we repel against. When we face a love, help and sincerity like His we run! And we leave Him running after us trying to convince us of His love. Trying to tell us we are just scared. Trying to convince us of who He is and how He won't hurt us. 

I saw this picture on Facebook today and it triggered such a conviction in my heart. And as I sat feeling like weeping before my groom, I said "lord I don't want this to be our story"! My heart was so broken at the thought of every time I ran and how I left Him feeling. But thank God that He welcomed me back with open arms. In 2015 let's vow to stay! Let's vow to not be the runaway bride. Let's vow to make this a year of running and chasing after Him. Trust me, it will make all the difference.

Until Tomorrow,

Kaitlyn

Because I said so

I'm sure just about all of us have heard their parents, grandparents or some adult use "because I said so" as their reasoning when asked "why"! Whether I was told no, told what to do, what not to do, etc whatever my parents said if it was followed with "because I said so" I knew not to question it. I knew it wasn't up for debate. I knew that was their way of saying whatever the reason I hold the power. Whatever was said it is final. Whatever was established, it wasn't up for discussion!

In my mind, as a child, it was such a stupid answer! Like really, you couldn't give me anything better? But now, I realize that it was a response packed with power and authority. It was one that said "look I don't care what you say, I'm not moving off of this". As a child, as stupid as I thought it was, I knew not to push the issue. I knew I had no say so after that. That response literally shut me up every time.

Do you know that because of Christ we have that same power over the enemy, all spirits that work with him and even over our lives. Our words are power, packed with authority and final! Whatever we release is as good as done! So, what are we releasing? And is it being released with a confidence that says "because I said so"?

My entire world is made and shaped by every word I release. I am where I am because I said so! For some of you, this may be hard to grasp. I know it was extremely hard for me. Some of you may be thinking "I've had a lot of bad things happen to me that I didn't speak myself into". Let me tell you, I have too. I've been  molested, abused, kicked out and that's just a few things. Did I speak myself into that, of course not. But I did speak myself into isolation and a repeated pattern of abandonment because of the words I spoke. Because of my negative and my  "this always happens to me" responses, I spoke myself into a lot of pain  and heart ache that I didn't have to go through.

But what would are lives be like if we spoke only truth? If we spoke the word of God with every response. And if our responses had such a confidence and resolve to them that says "I don't care what you say, what you bring or what you think, I have spoken and it is final". Let's call it a "because I said so" stance!

So, you want your 2015 to be different? Speak different, speak change, speak the word and then determine that you are not going to move off of it. When the enemy comes, and he will come, respond with "I already spoke what my life will be and you have no say so because I said so". When tests come, and they will come, stand with confidence that your words were already spoken and they are final!! In 2015 let's vow to have a "because I said so" stance!!! And be determined to not move off of what you say for anything.

Until Tomorrow,

Kaitlyn

It is well with my soul

"At some point we must be okay with how things are. As un-perfect as things may be, we have to develop this gratitude in our hearts that says Lord in spite of it all, I thank you! What happened to the praise in the storm? What came to diminish our faith so much that we no longer think our lives have any good left in them? When did we become such a complaining and ungrateful people?"-Kaitlyn Pope

These were just a few of my thoughts Sunday night that I never got around to posting. Around 9ish Sunday night statuses on Facebook began flooding with the news of a young girl from my high school who passed away. At 4:56pm she posted her last comment on her status indicating that she was sick. Within hours of experiencing flu like symptoms, and saying she is having grandma's soup she dies. Just like that her life is over(well this side of it at least). She was my age, and immediately I thought to myself "that could've been me". Sunday could've been my last day. Yet here I am, Wednesday night still breathing.

But am I living? What does my life, on the inside, really look like? Am I maxing out this little bit of time I got? Because believe it or not, this life on earth is short. So what are we doing with it? Are we living to our fullest potential? Are we content in what we have or is it never enough? Do we waste our days complaining while people like Jessica already took their last breath?

If not for ourselves, why not for them? Why not for all the people that no longer have a chance? Can't we determine within ourselves that we will keep them in mind? Next time we want to waste a day! Next time we want to complain about something so stupid! Next time we want to live life as if it's promised! I don't know about anyone else but if for no other reason than the fact that I actually still have life, I want to max out 2015! I plan to live this year with enough praise, fight, strength, persistence, joy, love, encouragement, etc for myself and anyone who didn't make it. Jessica doesn't have the opportunity to still make a difference every day, but I do.

In 2015, "it is well with my soul" will be my anthem. No matter what comes my way, I have determined within myself I will withstand it. Why? Because it could be worse! My life could've ended before it ever really started! So this year is for you Jessica! This year, my prayer is that every time my lips even start to complain or fuss God will remind me of your life and your passing. This year I vow to do better. What will you do?

Until Tomorrow,

Kaitlyn

Death To Offense

To be as transparent as I can, I really didn't even want to write this blog today. I'd rather just sit alone, left to myself and be mad! But, really what good does that do? How does it help or benefit me to sit around pouting? In all honesty it doesn't. It just keeps me bound and allows the enemy to win.

Last night I got some rather "unexpecting" news. And as a flood of emotions overtook me, the one I couldn't seem to shake was hurt! Although a different situation, familiarity began to sink in. And although I didn't like it, changing it was completely out of my control. As it is with most situations, the only thing I had control over was myself. I couldn't  control the situation, but I could control my emotions. I could control how I reacted! So why is it so hard? Why is hurt still present? Why are my emotions still all over the place?

It's crazy how when you really seek out God, He shows up. I prayed last night. I let everything go. But I woke up hurting again. As I sat hurting, as I withheld the tears and fought off the thoughts. As i sat wanting to retreat, wanting to shut down, wanting to stop trying...just then "something" rose up in me. And all I heard was myself, saying every affirmation I proclaimed over this year. And then one question, cut me so deep "So you want this year to be different?"

Change doesn't just happen to you. January 1st doesn't bring a new you just because the date changed. At that very moment I realized it was on me. It was and always is on me. Every day I have a choice. A choice who I will be. A choice who I will represent. A choice if I will be a thermostat or a thermometer. Will I set the temperature or react to it? Will I make my life align with the word of God or will I align my life with everything that happens to me?

We all have those same choices every day. Was I hurt, absolutely! Was it the end of the world, of course not. Offense is a relationship killer. The enemy would want nothing more than for me to stay on the offense. To stay a person in which something  is always happening to me. To stay in a place where I confess "this always happens to me"! Always is an eternal word. Often times, familiarity causes us to confess things we don't mean. Then we get surprised when things repeat themselves.

Today I realized I have two choices and each has its rewards or consequences. I can stay mad, in offense and stay bound. I can stay the same. I can choose to not grow up. All for the sake of "I'm hurt". Or I can grow up. I can choose to let go. I can choose to fight. I can choose truth. The truth is I'm not who I use to be. I don't have to live a life bound by emotional living. I don't have to shut down. I can choose not to withdrawal. In that choice alone, I win. In that choice I change. In that choice I grow.

So with this year, I choose freedom. I choose to run for my life away from offense. I choose truth. So yes, I do want this year to be different. And yes, I will make this year different. Why? Because I hold the power in my hands and in my words and in my choices. The question is, what will your year look like?

Until Tomorrow,

Kaitlyn

Withholding Nothing

While contemplating what I would write for today, a friend of mine and myself had a conversation. Among the various topics, we somehow landed upon the "mysterious" question: what does a surrendered life look like? And in the moment I thought to myself, well it looks like surrender but when you find something more please let me know because that has been the cry of my heart for years.

A surrendered life? Hmmmm...Something that seemed afar off, unattainable in a sense. Almost as if a fairy tale waiting for me to dream again. A surrendered life was like a unobtainable goal that attacks my dreams as I grasp for something that seems to always be just out of arms reach. I wish I could say I was more hopeful. I wish I could tell her I had more answers. Like there was a magic formula and I had just the right ingredients, however that wasn't the case. I just listened, in understanding silence, I listened. With "I understand" being the only response I could muster up I felt helpless! Not that she was actually looking for answers from me per say, I just would've felt better had I had 1 or 2 solutions to the longing in her heart.

Just as I begin to "lose hope" I heard two things: relationships and withholding nothing! As I began to search out for deeper and more Holy Spirit began to speak and revel more than I've ever had and for once, I finally understood. After years and years of longings, I finally understand what a "fully surrendered life looks like"! So you can understand just as I did, let's do a little exercise. Think of the one person you trust the most on this earth. The one you trust with your life. The one person you can tell anything to. The one whom has your back, front and sides all at once. The one you can call at any moment and they are there no questions asked. Okay, I think you get it. Now for understanding purposes, let's just say that relationship is mutual. LOL! Now in your head what does that relationship look like? What does that love look like? What does the communication look like?

The question then is, after evaluating all of that, why is it that our relationship with God looks like that of a passerby compared to the ones we are in relationship with on earth? How can we give all to man, yet wonder why we still have voids? How can we claim to love man without reserve yet keep God at arms length?

The word surrender  means to give oneself up; as into power of another; submit or yield. Synonyms listed were abandonment, giving away, relinquishment, white flag, submission and yielding! We as woman, for the most part, seem to have no problem submitting to a man. We will bend over backwards, sideways, over the front and over again just for him to choose us. Just so he wants us and we "keep him coming back" we will do everything under the sun and then some. Yet when it comes to The lover Of Our Souls, we half step. We block Him out and make Him pay for the mistakes of man while we still bend over backwards for man. It's pure foolery on a whole different level.

So, back to the original question...what does a surrendered life really look like? It looks like withholding nothing. It looks like a life with all guards let down. It looks like hands raised when you want to curl up in a ball and hide. It looks like "yes" when you have no idea what your yes is leading you to. It looks like love. It looks like trust. It looks like walking in the fruits of the spirit consistently. It looks like looking in the mirror and seeing Christ! I looks like death, and at times it looks like pain and suffering! Full surrender is a daily choice. A choice, in which, at times may feel like absolutely nothing at all. It is a choice that is so hard to explain. But nevertheless, it is a choice that says not my will buy yours Lord. At all times, in the light and behind closed doors. Surrendered looks like something and believe it or not it feels like something. It is undeniable and you will know when you have reached it. My prayer for everyone in 2015 is that we experience a truly surrendered life. I believe whole heartedly that it is the greatest life to live. So let's vow to live a life without reserve towards the One who came after us withholding nothing! Let's vow to hold nothing back.

Until Tomorrow,

Kaitlyn

Fear Not...

I believe I've addressed fear before in previous blogs. In fact, I'm sure I have. Fear has possibly been my greatest villain. The thing that has kept me bound the most. The thing that has crippled me and held me hostage from everything I profess to want. When you think about it, those are some pretty depressing facts seeing that fear isn't even real. Fear is literally false evidence appearing real.

Fear is that ridiculously loud voice that shouts it won't work. The voice that says don't try. The one that tells you that it's impossible. The lie that tells you that you can't, even though you've  never tried. It's that negative, nagging, irritating voice that repeatedly lies. The crazy thing about fear is, it is crazy easy to over come. It is literally all mental. All you have to do is step out and do the very thing it's telling you not to do.

The very thing it says you can't do, whatever it suggests is impossible, whatever you fear: do it anyway! I use to ask myself: what if it doesn't work? What if I fail? I recently started asking myself: what if it does work? What if I succeed? 

The only thing that keeps fear so powerful and so strong in our lives is we believe the lies more than the promises of God. If He tells us do not fear and that all things are possible, why do we do and believe things contrary to that truth? In this new year vow to believe. Vow to fall out of relationship with fear. Vow to do the impossible because it is possible. In 2015, vow to FEAR NOT!!!!!!

Until tomorrow,

Kaitlyn

30 Day Break Through Series-Intro

Hello All!!!!!!! Happy new year. *In my overly excited little girl high pitched voice* LOL! For those of you that regularly follow my blogs, you know I have been on quite the hiatus when it comes to my writing. That's kind of what happens when you have the year I had last year, funny thing is I know I wasn't alone. 2014 was beautiful, hard, trying, amazing, successful, a fight, a press...it was a year that tested everything I was made of, determined to chew me up and spit me out. But, what did I do, by the grace of God I stood. I grew! I learned! I died, to this flesh! And often times I amazed even myself. So I hear you asking, what does that have to do with this blog series and what is this series all about. Well, to be honest my 2014 and even the years prior have everything to do with this series. They are the reason God placed it on me to write this.

So, what is the "30 Day Break Through Series"? To put it simply, it is a series of lessons, trials and break through's I have personally had over the years. I even desire to bring on guest writers so we can cover as many topics as possible in these 30 days. Fear, lack and poverty mindsets, fornication, obesity and gluttony, how to withstand all, faith, overcoming your past, self-confidence and affirmation. You name it and we will attempt to cover it over these next 30 days.

Why? What is the goal? Ultimately the goal is for a group of people to rise up and make this year everything it can be and everything they want it to be. Last month I started to get frustrated with the "new year, new me" anthem that everyone seems to shout from the roof tops that time of year. Everyone seemed to have a dream for the new year but how many really had a plan? How many had a change in their mind? Those same minds that kept you in lack, fear, pain, offense, hate, gluttony, etc . How many of you took on the new year with a new way of thinking to go with your new goals? I can promise you this, without it, your 2015 is guaranteed to be just like 2014 if not worst.

According to dictionary.com breakthrough is defined as an act of overcoming or penetrating an obstacle or restriction. Let's penetrate and overcome the obstacles and restrictions that have continued to hold us captive and keep us from the freedom we have been given already. This year will be all we make it to be, so let's break through all that holds us back from making it new. All that keeps us from success. All that keeps us from being who we were created to be.This year can be AMAZING, if we put in the work to make it that way. So invite a friend or 2 or 3 LOL and let's BREAK THROUGH!!!!!

Until Tomorrow Loves,

Kaitlyn