What really is love? Truth is most of us really don't even know. We know the definition we have grown to understand but is it really love? I have struggled with the idea of love almost my entire life. Growing up I had the biggest void in my heart. Of course I didn't know at the time how to fill it. Often times I couldn't even pinpoint what was missing. I didn't know what I needed, I just knew something wasn't there.
Because of a variety of things that happened to me as a child I have struggled with abandonment for as long as I remember. Almost any relationship I have entered it has been a constant thought and fear of when are they going to leave because I know they will. You see, growing up, to me love was extreme disciple at the drop of a hat followed by weeks on end of being ignored. I lived with both extremes: not being noticed and being noticed at all the wrong times. Growing up, I equated love with staying when all signs say leave. Love was equal to time. The longer I knew you, the more you loved me. I convinced myself that you don't leave because it's love.
I never once looked for genuineness, after all I didn't even know what I was looking for. One thing I did know is I never wanted you to leave. I would go to great lengths to try to "make you see value in me". I wanted you to see and value what I didn't even value: me! As I am, completely different me. The problem was my fear of people leaving never allowed me the opportunity to truly be myself. To this day many have merrily scratched the surface. So instead of allowing you the possible opportunity to not like me, I did what I thought you wanted. And for the fake relationships it worked great. Until of course they found something better.
I would give my all into loving others...financially! But when it came to giving myself I kept those walls up. For most of my life my love has been materialistic and selfish. Subconsciously I truly believed that I could buy or earn love. That if I did enough right things, that if I bought or gave enough, that if I did what you needed no matter what position it put me in I was convinced you would stay. Truth is, all the money in the world couldn't make someone stay who was never truly there in the first place.
I sent a text to a friend of mine telling her one of my heart cries. I said "I need friends"! As we joked for a bit, it quickly turned serious as I got in my emotions and she quickly spotted out my fear. She said "it's as hard as you make it. You have to take a step out after prayer and know that people will be open to knowing you. You won't be rejected or left to yourself." Because of the spirit of rejection that has followed me since childhood I have seemed to have this deep rooted fear that says "they won't like you". "You are too much this or not that". Instead of being myself, money was my alternative. In my mind it was what would get you to at least notice me.
Growing up love was always based on what can you do for me. The moment you stopped doing the fights started. The silent treatment started. The separation started. The word no was like a form of hate. So to me, if I loved someone I wouldn't say no. If you needed, I found a way to get. Even if I didn't love you and the relationship was new I would do as much stuff possible to "prove" myself.
In 2014 I experienced and learned of love on levels I knew not of. I learned how to love by first loving myself. I learned when and how to give. So in 2015 I vow to give of myself. To give from a pure heart only when lead. In 2015 I vow to love like Christ. I vow to live a life poured out, not pockets poured out. Does this mean I will stop giving, absolutely not. It just means I will no longer give with hopes that it will "gain approval". With hopes that it will make lasting relationships. I will no longer feel like a let down or like I'll be left alone just because I said no. In 2015 I vow to live a life from the inside out. Will you join me? We are accepted and loved even when we don't see it.
Until Tomorrow,
Kaitlyn
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