"You don't love Me"

I have been saved for 10 years. For 10 years I have recognized and labeled myself as a Christian, as a disciple. I have proclaimed and bragged on His great love for me. I have prayed, I have studied, I have served, given, paid tithes and offering. I have tried to better myself, laying my life down best I knew how and even tried my best to follow His commands. Well at least the ones I knew about. 

Self-interrogation and what I call #heartchecks are some difficult processes to go through. I mean you're basically being shown how messed up you really are. It's painful. It's hard to be shown yourself especially when it's something you just knew it couldn't be true. My Pastor has asked the question "Do you love God" several times, for illustration purposes, throughout the years. Of course, everyone answers yes without thought. Without evaluation all hands go up. Thinking to ourselves what kind of question is that.

Often times we skate through life avoiding the hard questions. We avoid questioning ourselves, in turn giving this wicked heart/being the benefit of the doubt. I mean whether in a church setting or not what Christian in their right mind would say they don't love God. But I ask, what Christian in their right mind would assume just because they profess a belief and a life lived for Him that somehow that equates to love. I mean it must right? Who would attend church, who would claim the life without first loving Him?

"If you love me, show it by doing what I've told you."John 14:15

In other versions it says "obey".

"Then Samuel said, Do you think all God wants are sacrifices---empty rituals just for show? He wants you to listen to Him! Plain listening is the thing, not staging a lavish religious production. Not doing what God tells you is far worse than fooling around in the occult. Getting self-important around God is far worse than making deals with your dead ancestors. Because you said No to God's command, he says No to your kingship."

And then, there it was, one day what seemed like out of no where a still small voice said "You don't love Me." I wept, I whined "but I do." Because I would never say it, He said it for me. Because I would never utter those words out of my mouth He said it. Little did I know I uttered it from my heart for years. For years I gave God the pieces of my life that I wanted Him to have. I gave Him access to parts of me while still holding onto what control I thought I had. And because I just knew there was no way He could use this wicked mess of a life for His glory I hide. I ran. I obeyed only when it was comfortable or when it wouldn't end in me making a fool of myself. I gave Him part of me. While He, He gave me all of Him. All His love, all His forgiveness, all His peace, all His character. For the first time I saw the true wickedness of my heart and I was broken. Yet and still He loved me as He comforted me.

"Daughter I have not shown you truth to break you or shame you but to get your attention. If anything were to happen I would hate to meet you at my gates and you not be allowed in. Find your place sitting at my feet and doing what I instruct."

Sometimes the word hurts. It was designed to. The word is a two edged sword designed to cut and divide the soul from  the spirit. This blog may not sit well with some and that is okay. But I ask you this, just like He asked me, "Do you really love Him?"

Until next time,
Kaitlyn Marie