I am dying!

"Ain't nothin' to it but to do it!"

One of my closest friends loves this saying. I honestly use to laugh it off, ignore her or something along those lines every time she would say it. To me it was nothing more than one of those old sayings that was just outdated. LOL But in reality it holds so much truth. People, including myself, tend to spend so much time planing and talking about things that they never actually get to the doing. 

"But don't just listen to God's word. You must do what it says. Otherwise, you are only fooling yourselves."-James 1:22 

Even the word of God instructs us to be doers. One of my favorite quotes is "live each day as if it were your last". However, no matter how much I proclaim I love it I have yet to live like it. I still procrastinate, I still let fear hold me hostage, I still struggle with reconciling problems immediately, and thats just to name a few. How would I really live if I was dying? What would my days consist of if I knew I only had so much time left? Would I do what I am about to do today if I knew that I would die tomorrow?

In reality, I am dying! We all are. Every minute, every day that goes by is time we can not get back. No one knows they day they will die and tomorrow is not promised to any man. So why is it that we continue to waste time as if we are guaranteed time? Why do we waste what we cannot get back? I have dreams, goals and visions of what my future looks like. Why not do everything I can with the time I got? Why not act as though this may be my last day, because it just may be. 

I have a challenge for us, that we can do together! But if no one else does it, I challenge myself to. Every day that you wake up, every day that God allows you to still be here use that day to actually do something. Stop wasting days as if you are not dying because you are! Whether your death takes days, years or decades, we are all dying. I guarantee if you shift your thinking to that which you believe you are dying instead of that which you believe you have all the time in the world you will do more with your life. Its time that we stop wasting these lives that we have, because we only have one on this side! You live and then you transition. I don't know about you but I don't want to enter heaven and hear anything other than well done!

Max out this life with me!!

~Kaitlyn

Selfish Ways

"What will you do for me if I do…?"

"What have you done for me lately?"

Selfish-devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's 

own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others. 

Synonyms: greedy, self-centered, egocentric, egoistical, mean, self-indulgent,

self-interested, self-seeking, stingy, ungenerous, wrapped up in oneself

How many people would actually admit to being selfish? I mean who really wants to acknowledge that they are a greedy, self-centered, mean, self-indulgent, self-seeking, stingy person. I know I don't. But to say I haven't been would be a lie. This may come as a shock to many because those that know me, know me to be a very giving person. But did you know that to give with the wrong motives is worse than not giving at all. 

"But the LORD said to Samuel, Don't judge by his appearance or height, for I have rejected 

him. The LORD doesn't see things the way you see them. People judge by outward

appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."-1 Samuel 16:7

 People see what we do but God sees why we did it! He sees beyond the act and looks at the motives behind it. If you follow my blogs regularly you would know I have struggled with people pleasing. Although it cut deep this is the truth the Holy Spirit revealed to me...

"You may give, you may serve, you may put yourself last, but you do it all for your gain.

You are a selfish giver. One who gives to "prove yourself worthy". But those that love you

don't need you to prove anything. Until you learn to do only as I guide you, you will always

give out of a "I owe you place". You don't owe anyone anything, you can't buy their love, time

etc. You have tried time and time again to "make people stay", but it doesn't work like that. Don't 

serve to show yourself better than others. Or put yourself last because you feel that is where you deserve to be. I need you to give out of a pure heart, only when I instruct you to. I need you to serve 

because its how I designed you. I need you to put yourself last so that when you are risen up all know that it was Me that did it."

Whoa, Whoa, Whoa!!! It hurts when the Holy Spirit puts a "mirror" in front of you and shows you who you really are. The person you have become that is so far off from Him and His design for your life. I have never intentionally or consciously tried to buy someones relationship. Somewhere along the line I convinced myself that doing things for people, constantly giving them money or buying them things would show my appreciation for them being in my life. I truly do appreciate those that are in my life and I just desire that they really know that. Truth is, they already know! I don't have to do anything extra to prove that. I never linked giving and selfishness. I never would say serving and selfishness could go together but when done because of errors in my character I guess it is possible to serve and be selfish. A dead give away to someone with selfish motives is if they walk away when pressure hits? When life hits, and its just too much do they stop giving, serving and putting others first? When life hits do you go into self-protect mode? If you withdrawal, withhold of yourself, etc. when hard times come it is safe to say there is some selfishness in you.

I would suggest you spend some time with the Holy Spirit if any of this blog hit home. Ask Him to reveal your heart to you. Ask Him to show you yourself and to expose any selfishness that is in you. This isn't an easy revelation for anyone, I know it wasn't easy for me. But revealing it to me meant He wants more of me which is such a privilege. I am privileged that God isn't ok with me being anything less than His best. For that I am grateful. 

No more selfishness!!

~Kaitlyn 

Yes Man...

"If you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything."

Anyone who has ever "fell" for something knows how accurate this statement is. What's even worst is this has been the story of my life. *insert super sad face* LOL! Man this self revealing process/season God has me in is something else. It is so painful, yet so liberating. I am learning more and more of myself. More and more things I don't like. More and more things I desire to change about myself. But I am also learning who I really am, beneath the lies, the masks, the people I pretended to be…beyond all of that, I am finding Kaitlyn. I must admit I am loving her! 

Over this past week, Holy Spirit called me the "yes man". I got so enraged when He said it. Like really mad. Don't try to tell me you've never got mad when He revealed yourself to you! I know I am not alone here. But then I looked over my life, even the past couple months. Shoot even just last week. I looked at how many times I agreed to something I didn't want to do. How many times I said "Yes" when I wanted to say no. And then I looked at the select few times I actually said "No" and how it made me feel. How it caused such a hurt and pain in me. How the guilt over came me to the point were I was actually depressed for saying no as if I wasn't entitled to saying no to something I don't want to do. 

And then it hit me…I HAVE BEEN A YES MAN! One that says yes to everything regardless of what I have going on, the resources I don't have, the time I don't have, or how I have to rearrange my schedule to fit that in. What hurt more is that I was a YES MAN with people. I wasn't a yes man with God! I have been in this walk for over 8 years and for the majority of them, as sad as it is, God had to pull teeth to get a yes out of me. I never realized it was because I wasn't completely surrendered. One Saturday in woman's prayer the Holy Spirit used someone to encourage me. One of the things she said was "it is evident that all you want is God." As the tears flowed that day, I for once truly seen my shift. A shift that only God could cause. So yes, I am a Yes Man…but I am a Yes Man to God. I am whole heartedly submitted to Him! I will no long be the one who bends over backwards for people while God gets nothing from me! 

If you're going to be a yes man, let God be the one getting the Yes!

~Kaitlyn

Paralyzing Fear

F.E.A.R.=False Evidence Appearing Real

Fear has been many things to me but one thing it has never been is helpful. Fear has caused me to do one of two things; never start or quit before I finish. When I mention fear you're probably thinking everyone fears, but not like this. Up until now, I chose to ignore my fear. To try to pretend it didn't exist. Somewhere in my dysfunctional thinking I believed I could just "wish it away" by pretending I was okay. But truth is I wasn't okay.

"I must say a word about fear. It is life's only true opponent. Only fear can defeat life. It is a clever treacherous adversary, how well I know. It has no decency, respects no law or convention, shows no mercy. It goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unnerving ease. It begins in your mind, always…so you must fight hard to express it. You must fight hard to shine light of words upon it. Because if you don't, if your fear becomes a wordless darkness that you avoid, perhaps even manage to forget, you open yourself to further attacks of fear because you never truly fought the opponent who defeated you." Yann Martel

I was terrified to do even the basic of things. As a disciple of christ I should want to be all that God wants me to be. I should want to perform miracles. I should trust and believe He will show up and use me. I shouldn't be afraid to open my mouth. I shouldn't doubt if He will show up because times past have proven He shows up time and time again. 

It's funny, and I use that term loosely, how we give such a powerless thing so much power. How fear is just things we perceive in our own delusional minds and how we make the unreal so real. Our minds are such powerful weapons that we allow to break us down day after day. 

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love and self-discipline."-2 Timothy 1:7(NLT) 

So if God didn't give us fear, then we have power over it. We have the ability to not choose fear. We can choose power, love and self-discipline instead. We can choose faith instead. Fear is so stupid and it gets me so angry. Fear has stopped me from doing so many things. Fear has kept me bound for years. Tricking me into thinking I can't do something when scripture says all things are possible to them that believe. It's time to take a stand. Time to take our minds back. Time to step out of fear and step out on faith. I am talking to myself here as well. Do something that fear has said you can't do. And then do another. And then another. Keep going until you are no longer allowing fear to control you. 

Until next time,

With Love,

Kaitlyn

Forgotten...

To be completely honest, this past week or so hasn't been the greatest. Not that anything bad has actually happened, it just…ummm…has been trying emotionally. I cried out to God a couple weeks ago asking him to place me on someones heart…I just needed a reminder of were I stood in someone's life. I just really needed to, for a lack of better words, be loved on!

I was created an encourager. It's is who God made me to be. In fact, a couple months ago my pastor started referring to me as "Kaitlyn the Encourager". In the midst of it, it felt really good to be known as the encourager. That God made me with the ability to uplift, motivate, encourage and pour into others on a different level than most. But then this past week I fell into a "what about me place". I'm going around encouraging everyone else, I am pushing everyone around me but what about when I need it. Who is there to encourage me?

I waited patiently for that encouragement…but it didn't come. Or at least it didn't come how I wanted it to. I was waiting for those closest to me to reach out, to notice I was a little off. I was waiting for the Holy Spirit to speak to them and in essence answer my prayer. That someone, anyone would reach out and "fuel my fire" for once. The part that people often ignore about gifts is if you have it that means the world needs it. Which also means they lack it. I am an encourager because most people don't encourage. Most people don't stop to see the broken around them and if they do see them they don't stop to say anything. 

God didn't answer me how I wanted but instead He answered me in a way I couldn't have imagined. I was feeling invisible. I was in a place were I felt forgotten. I felt as though I was continually reaching out to people but they didn't need me. I reached a place were I felt that I was no longer adding to their lives but instead just taking up unnecessary space. I started to feel as though I was forcing myself into these lives and in my mind I needed to back off. Once again I had allowed my fear of abandonment to put me in a place I didn't want to be. 

Yesterday my Pastor texted me asking why I didn't hug her. LOL Yes, she personally reached out to me and although I didn't tell her this, that one act spoke volumes to me. It spoke of God's great love for me. That He would use someone I didn't expect, someone I didn't think would even notice if I didn't speak for a day or two. Over the past 8 months God has been showing me His great love for me. He continues to move and act in ways that cause me to break before Him. The ways that He answers my prayers and reminds me that even if no one else notices me, He always does. Even when I feel invisible and forgotten, HE SEES ME!!! It meant so much more coming from a unexpected person, than it would have from someone in my inner circle. And yet, once again, God loved on me like only He could. He spoke to my heart, looking past what I wanted and gave me what I needed. 

In this process of discovering me that I have been in, the greatest thing I have learned is I have all I need. In that I have learned who I am. I am not forgotten. I am not unseen, ignored, or invisible. I am the apple of His eye! And for me, that is enough. If you have been feeling forgotten, invisible, ignored, etc I ask that you will take a minute and say this prayer with me and trust that God will mend whatever broken pieces you have.

Father, I am hurting. I have lost sight of my purpose on this earth. I have started to place my value and importance in the acknowledgement from others. Forgive me for needing others more than I need you. I ask that you will remove every broken place in my heart and mend every hurt that has been keeping me from you. Daddy, mend my misunderstanding and help me to see myself as you see me. I ask that you wipe out all false information and renew a right mind in me. I come against every lie that tells me I don't have value, I am not loved, I am not seen…everything that says I am not needed, I am invisible, or forgotten. I thank you that you see me, and when no one else seems to be around you are always with me. Holy Spirit I thank you that you live inside of me, never leaving me alone. I thank you daddy that I am the apple of your eye, that your love for me is greater than anything. Help me to always keep my eyes on you, In Jesus name Amen.

Let God be enough for you!!!!

~Kaitlyn

 

 

Depression vs Desperation

"There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more

hurtful than anything that bleeds."-Laurell K. Hamilton

Depression: Severe despondency and dejection, typically felt over a period

of time and accompanied by feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy.

Desperate: having a urgent need, desire, etc. 

    I heard these words so quietly yet so clearly: 

"In order to leave that state of depression that has kept you for so long…that depression 

that has held you hostage for so long, you must become desperate for Me."

God was speaking, and I was hearing him clearer than I ever have. Up until now, I never linked my depression to Him. I never thought that I was this way because part of me was missing Him. Depression is a very real emotion. Just like sin, it will take you further than you intended to go and it will keep you longer than you intended to stay. I never really took the time to see the warning signs. I never really stopped to notice depression creeping in until it was too late. Until I was too far gone. 

That let down that I never faced. That hurt that I just pushed down and ignored. The offense that I pretended didn't exist. The anger that turned into numbness or the joy that turned into a sadness that was unexplainable. That hopelessness that I began to feel. Before I knew it I was in this deep pit of despair, not knowing how I got there nor how to escape. I was trapped by my emotions and a prisoner in my own mind. I literally felt the life draining out of me but I just couldn't stop it. I didn't know how. At the time I didn't know I was depressed, I just knew something was off. 

That place became a uncomfortable comfort to me. As sad as I was, as low as I felt, it became my norm. I allowed it to consume me, to swallow me whole! Everything about me life reflected it. I stopped caring about life. I stopped desiring relationships and in fact I withdrew from many of them. I didn't want to do anything, be around anyone and eventually I didn't want to live anymore. Depression had its hold on me and it wasn't letting go.

But my God!!! He had plans that I knew not of.

"For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do

what pleases him."-Philippians 2:13(NIV)

What seemed like out of no where, I desired Him. I wanted to please Him. I wanted to really die to myself. I had reached my low of lows and all I wanted was Him. He placed in me such a desperation for Him that literally saved my life. I was at my brink and suicide would've been my out if I continued on the road I was on. I had no idea how to come out of the pit I was in, but God just pulled me out. He loved me when I didn't love me. He kept me when I didn't care what happened to me. 

I battled depression for years, but the height of it hit from 2012-2013. I was in such a downward spiral that my life should be ended. I was mentally and emotionally checked out on life. But I am here to tell you, if He can bring me out of that place there is still hope for you. Depression doesn't have to control you. You don't have to be a prisoner in your mind anymore. You don't have to be bound by your emotions any longer. Ask God for a desperation for Him! If you are struggling and you don't know what to do, say this prayer with me and trust that God will delivery you from yourself.

Father I need you, I don't want to be in this prison anymore. I don't want to feel this 

overwhelming sadness anymore. Help me to let go of everything that has been keeping 

me bound. Help me to get to the roots of the problem. The pain, hurt, let downs, fear of the future.

Lord renew a right mind in me, place in me the desire and power to do what pleases you. I thank you Lord that the power to choose was given to me the day I chose you, and I choose You. I choose

freedom. Freedom in my mind, freedom in my emotions and freedom to live for you. I pray that

you will save me from myself, from this place of destruction. I come against every attack on my 

mind that says life isn't worth living. Everything that says I am not good enough. Every lie that

comes against your word, and who you made me to be. In the days and weeks to come I pray

that you will remind me of who I am in you. I ask that you will reveal yourself to me on a new

level. As my peacekeeper! I thank you that you are all I need and that in you I can make it. I 

thank you that I do win. That I am more than a conquerer. Today I choose desperation for you

over depression. Thank you for being my strength when I didn't want to go on. Thank you for

keeping me through it all. Lord help me to do your will. I thank you for your word that guides me. And

as Philippians 4:8 says "And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on

what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things

that are excellent and worthy of praise." I will think on these things. And I rip up, every lie the 

enemy has ever said to me! I come back under your ark of safety Lord. Thank you for my freedom

and delivering me from myself, in Jesus name I pray Amen!

Walk in your free place, I am praying for you!

With love,

Kaitlyn

Made For This

Allow me to be pretty transparent with you guys for this one. I use to be the biggest "negative nelly" I have ever come in contact with. But there is a bit of a twist to it…I was only that way towards myself. I mean I could encourage, motivate and push everyone around me. And then there was me! I couldn't, I wasn't good enough, I never would be, I will fail, I can't do that, etc! I mean it was bad and it was constant. What makes it worst is I actually believed everything "I" would tell myself. I put I in quotations because I now understand that the enemy was feeding these lies to me long before I owned them for myself. Back then, that wasn't the case. I thought I had come up with all of those lies all by myself. But back to my beliefs, yes I actually believed these things. I believed these lies over anything anyone would say to me. Even above things I knew to be true.

For example, I have a grace for working with children. I know that with everything in me and if I were to ever "forget" it, I have countless people that remind me over and over again. Telling me how great I am with children, how much their kids love me, etc. Now get this, even in knowing that to be true I still had this belief that I wasn't good enough to work with children for real. Playing with them, being around them and even babysitting here and there is one thing. But I could never be good enough to actually get paid for this. I could never be good enough to make this my career. And guess what childcare is not my career and no matter how hard I have tried it has not been able to work out. Why? Why is it that something I know I have a grace for is run down by thoughts of not being good enough? Did you know that your thoughts actually determine your life? It is safe to say where ever you are right now in life, your thought patterns and your beliefs put you there. Good or bad, you are where you are because of yourself! Childcare is just one example, this has been my problem for years. Knowing who I am in Christ but denying it because of circumstances or what others say/do. 

"For as he thinks in his heart, so is he."-Proverbs 23:7(NIV)

As this Proverbs states, you are whatever you believe in your heart. The problem with most people is they blame outside circumstances and people for everything. Its so and so's fault for why I am the way I am. It's because of this situation that I am not where I want to be in life. You're not alone, I too took that approach for years. I didn't finish school because my parents wouldn't help me pay for it. I didn't finish because they made too much money for me to get financial aid. I haven't had a real job because I didn't finish school. I got kicked out of my house because my parents have a different truth than I have. I couldn't get on my feet because of everything I have been through. I have been mentally and physically abused. I have jumped from house to house facing being on the streets. I was molested as a child and almost raped a few years ago. I have had countless people walk out of my life. So on and so forth.

I had to list some of what I have been through so you guys could see I am not someone who has not been hit by life and its events. I have been hit time and time again. Am I saying I caused my abuse…ABSOLUTELY not! Please don't misunderstand what I am say. What I am saying is I am where I am today because of who I believe I am. For years I believed I was nothing more than the girl who got molested. I was nothing more than the girl who didn't finish school. I became my events and they molded who I perceived myself to be. So when the thoughts came that you're not good enough, you can't, etc…I believed them with everything in me. But the amazing thing about thoughts and being a child of the most high is, I now have power over them. BAM!! 

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by 

the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve 

what God's will is-his good, pleasing and perfect will."-Romans 12:2(NIV)

"For the rest, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is worthy of reverence

and is honorable and seemly, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely

and lovable, whatever is kind and winsome and gracious, if there is any virtue and 

excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think on and weigh and take 

account of these things(fix your minds on them)."-Philippians 4:8(AMP) 

"You will guard him and keep him in perfect and constant peace whose mind(both

its inclination and its character) is stayed on You, because he commits himself to You,

leans on You, and hopes confidently in You."-Isaiah 26:3(AMP)

"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge

of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."-2 Corinthians 10:5(NIV)

These are just a couple of examples of how we can't depend on our minds. Continually throughout scripture we are instructed to renew our mind, pull down thoughts and in essence not to depend on our own limited thinking. So if we can be instructed on what to think(Philippians 4:8) and we can be told to pull captive every thought that comes agains the knowledge of God(Isaiah 26:3) I think its safe to say these thoughts will lead us astray every chance they get…if we let them. Which leads me back to what I stated above, I have control over them! I can choose to believe all that I have been believing or I can choose to believe the word of God. The choice is mine but I can NOT do both. I can not believe I am not capable and also believe I am an overcomer(1 John 5:4). I can not believe I am a broke and have nothing yet still believe I am His heir(Galatians 4:7). It is not possible to believe I am not good at anything and have no purpose yet his word instructs he gave gifts to his people(Ephesians 4:7). 

You see, what we believe often is the exact opposite of what his word instructs. He tells us who we are, yet we don't take the time to learn of it. When you come into this life you must take the time to retrain your mind. You must spend time learning of who you are in Him. I have been spending that time lately. I have been retraining my mind to know and believe who He says I am. The best part about it all is HE CHOSE ME!!!! And truth is, that means I WAS MADE FOR THIS!! Everything He has me for, I am equipped for it. The key here is to know what He has for you, because trust you are equipped to do it. No matter your education, past experiences, financial situations, doubts and fears. The only thing that can stop you is YOU! It is so much easier to just believe God's word and submit to His will knowing that He will not leave you to figure it all out. I am all that He says I am and you are all that He says you are! Trust Him and lets take a stand to turn these minds off!

Until next time...

With love,

Kaitlyn