I will be the first to admit 2013 absolutely, positively SUCKED!!!!!!! I mean like really really sucked! I was unemployed for 10 of the 12 months. I lost my best friend, not due to death but due to life! Life events caused a separation that I never expected nor was I prepared for. My "faith meter" was at a all time low. My living situation got worst and worst as I constantly got ripped to pieces by words! I went into a state of isolation that I wouldn't wish on anyone. Ultimately, I was a "dead woman walking". Not because I put my flesh to death for Christ but because I died inside. My heart was broken. My heart, that once beat regularly, was now skipping beats. I hated the sight of people that were still standing strong because I was falling apart. What possibly hurt the most was that I wouldn't let anyone in close enough to walk through it with me. I wouldn't let anyone help me through the year so I went through most of it alone. My pillow so wet with tears some nights I could go swimming in them. Eventually I got so tired of crying I just stopped! I just held it all in. I told myself just suck it up. Be strong! In that decision my tears that once flowed so freely were now dry as a bone. I couldn't cry even if I wanted to. My heart began to harden and I began to really give up. Give up on ever coming out of the pit I had "fallen" into. I gave up on life.
I guess the surprising thing to all this is nothing happened this year that hasn't happened to me before. I've been unemployed more than I've been employed. Sad isn't it? LOL! I've lost friendships more often than I've kept them. My living situation has been hard for as long as I can remember. Negative words have been spoken over me most of my life. Why was this year any different? Why was this year so hard? The difference between this year and others is this year I chose to go at it alone. This year I allowed life events to tear me away from the only one who could help me. I allowed circumstances, as unexpected as they were, to place a seed of hate in my heart. It took me until October to admit it and until now to speak on it. I grew to hate God. Stupid, right? I mean how could you hate The One giving you breath? How could you hate The One that has brought you back to life time and time again? How could you hate The One who has put you back together time and time again like you were Humpty Dumpty?
Never underestimate Satan's power! Even more, never underestimate God's! Satan had eased his was into my mind. Once there he set up camp and was determined to take me out. And take me completely out he almost did. As much as I can say I hated this year, I can't blame anyone but myself. Like I said, everything that happened this year has happened before. The difference was, I decided this year that I was tired of fighting. I was tired of going through the same stuff over and over. I was tired of God "abandoning me" when I needed Him the most. I was tired of people walking out on me. I was tired of being torn down by people's words. I was tired of not being able to love God like everyone else around me. I was tired of so much. But like I have said in previous blogs, when you are really tired change will come. Truth is I wasn't tired I just wanted what I wanted. When I didn't get it I had fits like a child.
I wanted a job I loved! I wanted to feel loved! I wanted to feel important! I wanted real friendship! I wanted people in my life that would stay! I wanted everything but what mattered most…a real, unadulterated relationship with Jesus Christ! I went to church every Sunday and Wednesday but my heart wasn't in it. I sat back and watched everyone I know get closer and closer to Him. I watched as He broke chains in their lives. I watched as they became more and more in love with Him as they became more and more free. Free to worship! Free to love! Free to believe! As they got free, I got more bound. Sunday December 22, it all changed! Pastor taught on Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. How God was calling His people to choose. To really choose who you will be and who you will serve. On that day, I realize I caused my 2013! Every single thing I was going through was God calling me back home. He was calling me back to Him. Yet I was so blinded by what was happening to me that I never stopped to ask why.
My 2013 didn't have to go how it did. I chose things and people over Him. I wanted things and people more than I wanted Him. Ironically, He is all I need. He is the greatest friend I could ever have. He is the best provider you could ever find. He is the healer above all doctors. He is the lover of our soul. Everything I was fighting for and longing for He was trying to show me that He was that!!! HE IS EVERYTHING!!!!!! As the tears flow freely as I type this I can't do anything but thank Him! That Sunday He told me "I am proud of you! I have been waiting on you!" He didn't condemn me for turning on Him! He didn't make me earn my way back in! He was waiting on me! Guess what He is waiting on you too! Whether you have never made the decision to follow Him or you walked away, He is waiting on you! His love for us surpasses our wildest dreams! His love for you is greater than you could ever imagine. Don't enter another year without Him! He is the greatest Father, friend, lover you could ever encounter! Have a REAL encounter with Him! Allow Him into your life like you never have before. YOUR LIFE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME!!!
My prayer for everyone reading this is that 2014 will be your best year yet because your relationship with God is the best its ever been. Not because you get a new job, more money, a new car, a house or anything else "man made". None of that really matters if your going through life empty and alone! Let God be all that He longs to be in your life and watch your life turn around! He wants you, all of you! I hope you will choose Him this year!
Happy New Year!!!!
With love,
Kaitlyn
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Friday, November 29, 2013
Giving…selflessly!!! But How?!?!
Last Thursday I received a message that went a little something like this: "Can you write about giving and being a cheerful giver even when you don't have much? And how you feel after you give? How to be a helper from a pure heart not just out of neediness or getting something back from the person or people? This is an area I struggle in but you don't and I would love to get started on doing better!"
Whoa Whoa Whoa!!!!! Hold up! You sure you sent this to the right person? Those are just a few things that were going through my head but instead I replied with "Sure thing"! Truth is I struggle with giving more than people would ever know! In fact it is such a struggle with me that my relationships, in past times, have been greatly affected by it! The only thing that made me feel good about the message I received was the fact that they couldn't tell giving was a struggle for me. Which on the flip side was bad because they are a really good friend of mine! Guess they'll know after reading this blog! LOL! I have no idea where to start so I guess I will just tell my story and pray that it helps.
When I think of giving I think of being a blessing to someone else. Regardless of relationship to you, regardless if you like them or don't really care for them, regardless of their financial position! Giving to me is seeing a need and fulfilling it! Now what most people don't know or, in my case, choose to ignore is giving is also directly related to obedience! When not in tune with the Holy Spirit you run the risk of stepping out of your lane! Which will open up a door for you to boast about what you were able to do or did! Giving should never be about you or your abilities! It should always fall back on God and Him seeing a need in someones life! God sends givers to do His work! If God didn't tell you to move, pray first!
Growing up everything I ever wanted was dependent upon what I was willing to do in order to receive it! If I wanted love, I had to fight for it! I had to do everything you wanted me to do! As a kid, even now, if I want a gift or I wanted to go with my mother somewhere I had to clean the bathrooms or the house or cook dinner or run errands! Everything I wanted was linked to how much I was willing to give! What I was willing to do! It could be something as small as everyone is going out to eat and I am the only one without money so if I want to go I had to do something! Growing up in that environment really distorts ones view on giving! Not just giving but giving from a pure place!
I am 24 years old and up until a couple years ago I really believed I was great in the area of giving. I thought I was the example of a selfless giver. So if I would've got this message years ago I would've saw no flaw in my giving and wrote from a delusional place! If you don't remember anything else I say please remember this, "Giving is more about the heart than about what your giving"! If your heart ain't right your gift don't matter! After examining my heart I realized I am not the giver I thought I was. Not only was my view on giving distorted I also struggled with abandonment. When growing up I realized giving always made people happy so thats what I began to do! In my mind if I could just give enough of my time and money to someone maybe they would stay! I directly linked giving to people not abandoning me! I would give everything I had. I placed others 'wants' before my 'needs'! I would buy someone a present before I would even feed myself. I would give of my time and do people 'favors' and put what I had to do on hold. I would call off work to help people who could care less about me. All in hopes that they would stay in my life. In theory, I perverted giving!
After countless people walked out of my life, despite my best efforts to make them stay I realized I had it all wrong! I didn't do what I did intentionally! In fact, most of the time I didn't even realize thats what I did. It took some soul searching and heart examination before I realized my giving was not pure, it was selfish. It was out of hopes that I could buy love, friendship, etc. It was out of hopes that if I do everything for you, you couldn't possibly abandon me! That is false!!!!! Completely in accurate thinking because people are going to do what they want and your giving will NEVER prevent that. And after being left with little to no real relationships, a maxed out credit card, $2,000 in back rent and unemployed since February I have realized I still have a lot to learn!
Unfortunately, I can not tell you how to be a helper from a pure heart and not just out of neediness or getting something back. I can not tell you how to be a cheerful giver even when you don't have much. I have a grace to give, it was something I was born with. I love to help and I love to give. It's who I am! Yet I still struggle with it! I still have to fight to walk in it! I can tell you what not to do! Don't give out of obligation. Don't give when you expect a return! Most times the person/people you give to will NEVER return the favor. Then again, you will also have people who bless you and you never return it to them. That's just not how it works. Don't EVER give if you don't feel led!!! 9 times out of 10 thats your selfishness stepping up trying to pervert giving. When your suppose to give, you'll know it! I like to keep in mind Colossians 3:23 "Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people." Keeping things in perspective will help to keep your giving cheerful.
Although I can't tell you how to give or how to be better at it or how to be selfless, I can tell you how giving makes me feel! I can share with you why I go to such lengths to give. I love the look in someones eyes when you bless them. I love the emotion I can fell coming from them when you just surprised them with something they didn't see coming. I love how they fall more in love with God when you give them EXACTLY what only He knew they needed. I love knowing that I heard God clearly. I love knowing that they are okay for another day, week, month, etc. I love doing what God graced me to do. He graced me to be a giver and a helper. He graced me to be able to carry the loads others can't. He graced me to love His people like He does. He graced me to give like I have it all. It's not me! It will never be because of my greatness or my ability. In all honesty I am not that great but He is! If you really want to know how to give, ask God to help you!
With Love,
Kaitlyn
“No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another.” ― Charles Dickens
“We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give.” ― Winston Churchill
“It's not how much we give but how much love we put into giving.” ― Mother Teresa
Acts 20:35 "And I have been a constant example of how you can help those in need by working hard. You should remember the words of the Lord Jesus: 'It is more blessed to give than to receive."
Whoa Whoa Whoa!!!!! Hold up! You sure you sent this to the right person? Those are just a few things that were going through my head but instead I replied with "Sure thing"! Truth is I struggle with giving more than people would ever know! In fact it is such a struggle with me that my relationships, in past times, have been greatly affected by it! The only thing that made me feel good about the message I received was the fact that they couldn't tell giving was a struggle for me. Which on the flip side was bad because they are a really good friend of mine! Guess they'll know after reading this blog! LOL! I have no idea where to start so I guess I will just tell my story and pray that it helps.
When I think of giving I think of being a blessing to someone else. Regardless of relationship to you, regardless if you like them or don't really care for them, regardless of their financial position! Giving to me is seeing a need and fulfilling it! Now what most people don't know or, in my case, choose to ignore is giving is also directly related to obedience! When not in tune with the Holy Spirit you run the risk of stepping out of your lane! Which will open up a door for you to boast about what you were able to do or did! Giving should never be about you or your abilities! It should always fall back on God and Him seeing a need in someones life! God sends givers to do His work! If God didn't tell you to move, pray first!
Growing up everything I ever wanted was dependent upon what I was willing to do in order to receive it! If I wanted love, I had to fight for it! I had to do everything you wanted me to do! As a kid, even now, if I want a gift or I wanted to go with my mother somewhere I had to clean the bathrooms or the house or cook dinner or run errands! Everything I wanted was linked to how much I was willing to give! What I was willing to do! It could be something as small as everyone is going out to eat and I am the only one without money so if I want to go I had to do something! Growing up in that environment really distorts ones view on giving! Not just giving but giving from a pure place!
I am 24 years old and up until a couple years ago I really believed I was great in the area of giving. I thought I was the example of a selfless giver. So if I would've got this message years ago I would've saw no flaw in my giving and wrote from a delusional place! If you don't remember anything else I say please remember this, "Giving is more about the heart than about what your giving"! If your heart ain't right your gift don't matter! After examining my heart I realized I am not the giver I thought I was. Not only was my view on giving distorted I also struggled with abandonment. When growing up I realized giving always made people happy so thats what I began to do! In my mind if I could just give enough of my time and money to someone maybe they would stay! I directly linked giving to people not abandoning me! I would give everything I had. I placed others 'wants' before my 'needs'! I would buy someone a present before I would even feed myself. I would give of my time and do people 'favors' and put what I had to do on hold. I would call off work to help people who could care less about me. All in hopes that they would stay in my life. In theory, I perverted giving!
After countless people walked out of my life, despite my best efforts to make them stay I realized I had it all wrong! I didn't do what I did intentionally! In fact, most of the time I didn't even realize thats what I did. It took some soul searching and heart examination before I realized my giving was not pure, it was selfish. It was out of hopes that I could buy love, friendship, etc. It was out of hopes that if I do everything for you, you couldn't possibly abandon me! That is false!!!!! Completely in accurate thinking because people are going to do what they want and your giving will NEVER prevent that. And after being left with little to no real relationships, a maxed out credit card, $2,000 in back rent and unemployed since February I have realized I still have a lot to learn!
Unfortunately, I can not tell you how to be a helper from a pure heart and not just out of neediness or getting something back. I can not tell you how to be a cheerful giver even when you don't have much. I have a grace to give, it was something I was born with. I love to help and I love to give. It's who I am! Yet I still struggle with it! I still have to fight to walk in it! I can tell you what not to do! Don't give out of obligation. Don't give when you expect a return! Most times the person/people you give to will NEVER return the favor. Then again, you will also have people who bless you and you never return it to them. That's just not how it works. Don't EVER give if you don't feel led!!! 9 times out of 10 thats your selfishness stepping up trying to pervert giving. When your suppose to give, you'll know it! I like to keep in mind Colossians 3:23 "Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people." Keeping things in perspective will help to keep your giving cheerful.
Although I can't tell you how to give or how to be better at it or how to be selfless, I can tell you how giving makes me feel! I can share with you why I go to such lengths to give. I love the look in someones eyes when you bless them. I love the emotion I can fell coming from them when you just surprised them with something they didn't see coming. I love how they fall more in love with God when you give them EXACTLY what only He knew they needed. I love knowing that I heard God clearly. I love knowing that they are okay for another day, week, month, etc. I love doing what God graced me to do. He graced me to be a giver and a helper. He graced me to be able to carry the loads others can't. He graced me to love His people like He does. He graced me to give like I have it all. It's not me! It will never be because of my greatness or my ability. In all honesty I am not that great but He is! If you really want to know how to give, ask God to help you!
With Love,
Kaitlyn
“No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another.” ― Charles Dickens
“We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give.” ― Winston Churchill
“It's not how much we give but how much love we put into giving.” ― Mother Teresa
Acts 20:35 "And I have been a constant example of how you can help those in need by working hard. You should remember the words of the Lord Jesus: 'It is more blessed to give than to receive."
Friday, November 1, 2013
Flashback…My secret life!
I do not own my own car. Since I was 18 I have paid gas, insurance and part of repairs on my fathers car. Let me add, although I do all of that, he is still what I like to call "sum-timie" with when he allows me to use it. So today I had to drop my sister off with her friends and she said I could use her car for the weekend! PRAISE God…was my first thought! My flashback soon followed. A flashback of who I use to be. A flashback to what I use to do when I had use of a car. Here is my story, I hope it inspires you to be more!
His name was Rell(nick name to protect his identity)! I met him sometime between 2007 and 2008. What started out as the best friendship I think I have ever had up to that point took a turn for the worst! It became my worst temptation and best lesson! Rell and I shared with each other on a level no one I ever knew did! He opened up to me on a level I never seen a man open up. He told me his dreams, his hopes, his hurts, disappointments and more! He let me in to places that I never expected him to grant me access to! He soon became my best friend all while remaining a secret from everyone I knew. Let me say this ladies, if you have to hide what your doing or who you are talking with then you have no business talking to them! If you can't or won't introduce him to those you love, those who can "judge" him without an emotional connection then you need to evaluate what kind of relationship you have! I can promise you it is not a Godly one! My first red flag was when Rell refused to come to church to meet my spiritual father! My second was when he professed that he isn't in relationship with God and doesn't plan on changing that. I should have ran for my life at that point, but I didn't! I stayed! I had already allowed him to draw me so far in that I couldn't think straight. I talked to him all day everyday! I was always told that if a man wants to talk to you he will. When Rell was the one initiating most of our conversations, I believed he wanted me in his life. He called/texted first, of course he wanted to talk to me. My mistake, never questioning why! I never asked his intentions. I never asked what role I played in his life or my place in his future. For about 3 years, we built and built a friendship that even those closest to me never knew about! In 2010, after coming back from Alabama was when everything changed. It was at that point that we went from friends to "friends with benefits". Rell went from talking to me like a friend to flirting. He went from needing my advice to needing to see me! Things went from a friendship with no boundaries to me acting like I had no standards. You see, when you are in even the most basic relationship with that of the opposite sex you MUST set boundaries. Girl, why is that man allowed to call or text you past 8 or 9pm? What could he possibly need to say that can't wait until a normal hour! The only thing on a mans mind at that hour is….lets say "getting access he didn't pay for". Why is that man in your bed? If you are not married, he has no business in your room let alone on your bed! I don't care if your just watching a movie or just wanted to talk, you better let him know from the start your room is off limits. Why are you all hugged up, all up under him while you watch TV, a movie or relax! Why are you letting that man all in your personal space? Why is he closer to you than you allow God to be? Let me make it real simple, think back to when you were 12-15 years old, if you wouldn't do it in front of your father back then, why are you doing it now! Our problem is that we believe we are above temptation. We think we can handle letting a man all up in our space and then telling him no! Hear me loud and clear YOU WILL NOT TELL HIM NO!!!
You see, I should be dead right now! No one really knows this part of my testimony but I shouldn't be alive today! I am a 24 year old virgin! Those that know me know that I value my purity probably more than anything else about me. I value that God made me to wait. After all my name means pure! I was designed to wait. I was designed to not compromise. When I made the choice to go against my natural design, it almost cost me my life! God revealed such a sobering and terrifying look into my future that caused me to finally cut Rell completely out of my life! That truth did not come until after I had already made the choice to "do my own thing" at all costs. And please believe it cost me some things!
In January of 2011, was the start to my rebellion phase! My ignoring truth phase! It was my season of ignoring the consequences and doing what I want! It was my season of lowering my standards to the point where I didn't know who I was anymore! On this particular night, past 10pm(a complete no-no), Rell sent me the "I'm cold text"! I replied with "me too, you should get you a blanket". Then he hit me with the "you should come over, i'll keep you warm"! I know, worst most cheesiest text ever! A text that I should have easily shut down but I didn't! I jumped up, begged my dad to use the car to go watch a movie at my friends and proceeded to shower/get ready! My heart was about beating out of my chest as I told myself I shouldn't be going! That I should stay home! Myself did not listen! I drove to his house and he greeted me at the door with a long hug! We proceeded to his room(second no-no). I had absolutely no right to be at his house at that hour/alone and especially not his room! I sat on the bed, at the end and completely distant from him. By end of night I had fell asleep in his arms, under his covers! Prior to that he had already kissed my neck, had hands where they didn't belong and was "happy" the whole time because I could feel "it" on my back! This was just the first time! After that things increased each visit. The next time he ended up with no clothes on while laying with me. I found myself in stores buying bra's and under clothes that would please him! Why the heck was I planning on letting him see me without my clothes on? I was giving myself to a man in ways I never should have! Ways that he never earned. He got access to places he never paid for. Not only were we not married, we were not even together. I had got so far into this hole, a pit, that I actually "planned" a day I was going to have sex with him. Like I actually texted him and told him I wanted him to be my first. I allowed my neediness and desire for a man to see me, actually see me, and then choose me to make me "act a fool"! I told myself Rell was choosing me when in reality he just lusted me! After a year on and off, after almost giving myself to a man outside of the covenant of marriage, I cried out to God to save me from a place that I couldn't come out of! I would walk away and go right back! Time and time again I would tell Rell I couldn't talk with him anymore and then a month or so later I missed him and we were right back like nothing happened!
God saved me! God pulled me out of a very dark place. He showed me a glimpse into my future if I were to stay on that path! You see, I mentioned how much my purity really meant to me. Yet in my distracted state, I was not considering that. I was not thinking about how I would deal with the consequences after having sex! God showed me that not only would I fall into the worst depression of my life but I would have also got pregnant! Words have power, and for as long as I remember I have spoken into existence that I would get pregnant the FIRST time I had sex! That pregnancy would have taken me out because I would have tried to take my own life! Suicide has been a spirit that has followed me and if I were to follow through with my fleshly desires and plans that spirit would have taken over! Not only did God stop me from making a HUGE mistake, He saved my life!!!!
So as I was driving home from dropping my sister off today and the thought popped in my head of what I use to do when I had use of a car I almost came to tears! My heart flooded with joy and thanksgiving that He is so mindful of me! Thankful that my God loves me so much that He allowed me to see my potential destruction! That He saw fit to keep me in midst of my disobedience! My secret life caused me much pain, but it also taught me so many lessons! If I could tell young girls one thing through my experience it would be "know your worth and never give a man access he does not deserve…be it emotional, time, sex, relationship status, etc." I pray this opens someones eyes and causes them to go running back to God! You play with fire you will get burned! Your life isn't worth the temporary pleasure your trying to get!
Until next time!
With love,
Kaitlyn
His name was Rell(nick name to protect his identity)! I met him sometime between 2007 and 2008. What started out as the best friendship I think I have ever had up to that point took a turn for the worst! It became my worst temptation and best lesson! Rell and I shared with each other on a level no one I ever knew did! He opened up to me on a level I never seen a man open up. He told me his dreams, his hopes, his hurts, disappointments and more! He let me in to places that I never expected him to grant me access to! He soon became my best friend all while remaining a secret from everyone I knew. Let me say this ladies, if you have to hide what your doing or who you are talking with then you have no business talking to them! If you can't or won't introduce him to those you love, those who can "judge" him without an emotional connection then you need to evaluate what kind of relationship you have! I can promise you it is not a Godly one! My first red flag was when Rell refused to come to church to meet my spiritual father! My second was when he professed that he isn't in relationship with God and doesn't plan on changing that. I should have ran for my life at that point, but I didn't! I stayed! I had already allowed him to draw me so far in that I couldn't think straight. I talked to him all day everyday! I was always told that if a man wants to talk to you he will. When Rell was the one initiating most of our conversations, I believed he wanted me in his life. He called/texted first, of course he wanted to talk to me. My mistake, never questioning why! I never asked his intentions. I never asked what role I played in his life or my place in his future. For about 3 years, we built and built a friendship that even those closest to me never knew about! In 2010, after coming back from Alabama was when everything changed. It was at that point that we went from friends to "friends with benefits". Rell went from talking to me like a friend to flirting. He went from needing my advice to needing to see me! Things went from a friendship with no boundaries to me acting like I had no standards. You see, when you are in even the most basic relationship with that of the opposite sex you MUST set boundaries. Girl, why is that man allowed to call or text you past 8 or 9pm? What could he possibly need to say that can't wait until a normal hour! The only thing on a mans mind at that hour is….lets say "getting access he didn't pay for". Why is that man in your bed? If you are not married, he has no business in your room let alone on your bed! I don't care if your just watching a movie or just wanted to talk, you better let him know from the start your room is off limits. Why are you all hugged up, all up under him while you watch TV, a movie or relax! Why are you letting that man all in your personal space? Why is he closer to you than you allow God to be? Let me make it real simple, think back to when you were 12-15 years old, if you wouldn't do it in front of your father back then, why are you doing it now! Our problem is that we believe we are above temptation. We think we can handle letting a man all up in our space and then telling him no! Hear me loud and clear YOU WILL NOT TELL HIM NO!!!
You see, I should be dead right now! No one really knows this part of my testimony but I shouldn't be alive today! I am a 24 year old virgin! Those that know me know that I value my purity probably more than anything else about me. I value that God made me to wait. After all my name means pure! I was designed to wait. I was designed to not compromise. When I made the choice to go against my natural design, it almost cost me my life! God revealed such a sobering and terrifying look into my future that caused me to finally cut Rell completely out of my life! That truth did not come until after I had already made the choice to "do my own thing" at all costs. And please believe it cost me some things!
In January of 2011, was the start to my rebellion phase! My ignoring truth phase! It was my season of ignoring the consequences and doing what I want! It was my season of lowering my standards to the point where I didn't know who I was anymore! On this particular night, past 10pm(a complete no-no), Rell sent me the "I'm cold text"! I replied with "me too, you should get you a blanket". Then he hit me with the "you should come over, i'll keep you warm"! I know, worst most cheesiest text ever! A text that I should have easily shut down but I didn't! I jumped up, begged my dad to use the car to go watch a movie at my friends and proceeded to shower/get ready! My heart was about beating out of my chest as I told myself I shouldn't be going! That I should stay home! Myself did not listen! I drove to his house and he greeted me at the door with a long hug! We proceeded to his room(second no-no). I had absolutely no right to be at his house at that hour/alone and especially not his room! I sat on the bed, at the end and completely distant from him. By end of night I had fell asleep in his arms, under his covers! Prior to that he had already kissed my neck, had hands where they didn't belong and was "happy" the whole time because I could feel "it" on my back! This was just the first time! After that things increased each visit. The next time he ended up with no clothes on while laying with me. I found myself in stores buying bra's and under clothes that would please him! Why the heck was I planning on letting him see me without my clothes on? I was giving myself to a man in ways I never should have! Ways that he never earned. He got access to places he never paid for. Not only were we not married, we were not even together. I had got so far into this hole, a pit, that I actually "planned" a day I was going to have sex with him. Like I actually texted him and told him I wanted him to be my first. I allowed my neediness and desire for a man to see me, actually see me, and then choose me to make me "act a fool"! I told myself Rell was choosing me when in reality he just lusted me! After a year on and off, after almost giving myself to a man outside of the covenant of marriage, I cried out to God to save me from a place that I couldn't come out of! I would walk away and go right back! Time and time again I would tell Rell I couldn't talk with him anymore and then a month or so later I missed him and we were right back like nothing happened!
God saved me! God pulled me out of a very dark place. He showed me a glimpse into my future if I were to stay on that path! You see, I mentioned how much my purity really meant to me. Yet in my distracted state, I was not considering that. I was not thinking about how I would deal with the consequences after having sex! God showed me that not only would I fall into the worst depression of my life but I would have also got pregnant! Words have power, and for as long as I remember I have spoken into existence that I would get pregnant the FIRST time I had sex! That pregnancy would have taken me out because I would have tried to take my own life! Suicide has been a spirit that has followed me and if I were to follow through with my fleshly desires and plans that spirit would have taken over! Not only did God stop me from making a HUGE mistake, He saved my life!!!!
So as I was driving home from dropping my sister off today and the thought popped in my head of what I use to do when I had use of a car I almost came to tears! My heart flooded with joy and thanksgiving that He is so mindful of me! Thankful that my God loves me so much that He allowed me to see my potential destruction! That He saw fit to keep me in midst of my disobedience! My secret life caused me much pain, but it also taught me so many lessons! If I could tell young girls one thing through my experience it would be "know your worth and never give a man access he does not deserve…be it emotional, time, sex, relationship status, etc." I pray this opens someones eyes and causes them to go running back to God! You play with fire you will get burned! Your life isn't worth the temporary pleasure your trying to get!
Until next time!
With love,
Kaitlyn
Friday, October 11, 2013
Complaining Instead of Praising: The Life of A Brat!!
My morning started off AMAZING!!! I woke up from a great sleep, which let me tell you does not happen too often! I ate my breakfast, prayed and sat with God, listened to some worship and then...LIFE HAPPENED!!!! Things are so strategically placed throughout your day to get you off course, deny God's goodness, get all caught up in yourself, etc!! If you do not recognize the "attacks" or tests when they come you will end up just like I did today: broken, tired, worn out and acting like a complete brat!! Take a step into my life as I share my story!
As I stated in the beginning my day was AMAZING...starting out! Things were going just as I prayed they would. I got the laptop, sat at the table and got ready to start on my 2nd book. I got up to look for my headphones because I like to play Pandora while writing but I didn't want to disturb the rest of the house! Headphones in hand I said to myself, "headphones, check! But where is my notebook". While searching for my notebook I found an unopened piece of mail. I open the piece of mail and what do we have, another dang gone collection notice! This time it was different than any other notice, it was threatening repossessions and searching for me! "Searching for me?" "Repossession of what?" "I don't own anything for them to take and I am not missing so a search party is not needed!" Those were just a handful of thoughts that immediately flooded my already filled head. Then I find another unopened letter and this time it was a letter from Advocate Christ Medical Center telling me they had a break in where someone stole 3 of their computers which had ALL client personal information in it! So, that is my address, my phone number and my SSN just to name a few. By this time my mood is completely changed! I am no longer joyful. I am no longer ready to take my day on! I am no longer filled with excitement! I am no longer content! I was the exact opposite. I was angry! I was worried! I was stressed! I had an immediate headache! I started trying to figure things out and try to think about what I am going to do! To add to all of that, I live in a house with people that do not know Christ! I am a DAILY example of what life with Him looks like! I am the only example they know! And of course today I was not home alone like I wished! My attitude could be felt! It filled the room like an unwanted odor! I displayed the worst example ever!
The more I was asked "what's wrong" the more I felt my eyes watering up! So I went to my only "quiet" place in the house: the bathroom! Boom! It happened! I allowed the enemy all up in my mind! And please believe he came FULL FORCE! He attacked and attacked and attacked! Telling me I am a let down! I am a failure at life! I will never amount to anything! My life will aways be a "trying to catch up" race! Let me give you a little background on my life! I dropped out of college in 2010 after only one semester because I could not afford it! I stayed in Alabama, where I went to school, in a house I could barely afford! I lived paycheck to paycheck barely making it. Sometimes only eating once a day because thats all I could afford. I slept on a air mattress because thats all I had. I rarely turned the lights on because I couldn't afford the high bill. When I showered I was forced to wash then rinse! Then water was NEVER allowed to stay on! I moved home and again lived paycheck to paycheck, that is when I had a job! Then in 2012 I became "homeless". I use that term very loosely because I was NEVER on the street! I was kicked out of my place and lived with someone I barely knew! No matter how hard she tried to make me feel at home I felt out of place. I felt unwanted! I felt like a burden! Let me be clear, this was never a result of how I was treated! I was just in a hole so deep I couldn't get out of it! So you see, from just that EXTREMELY small glimpse at my past, you now understand the attacks I underwent today! Every thought of me being nothing, could be validated from my past! And as I sat on the bathroom floor I completely broke! I had one of those childlike cries! You know those ones where they don't even make noise for seconds but then they scream! Yep, that was me! It was not even 12pm and I was already over this day!
Then the thoughts shifted from todays "situations" to my life over all. All the things that were not going right! All the things I couldn't "fix"! All the things I couldn't change or solve! I was a complete mess! And then, it clicked, you ungrateful brat! You complainer! Oh ye of little faith! When did God EVER say life would be easy? When did you become greater than Christ? Who really is the judge of 'enough is enough'? We say, "I been through enough" When will it end" "Why me" etc...but look at all Jesus went through!! WITHOUT COMPLAINT!!! So, what were you saying? Go ahead and tell me how bad your life is! I'm listening! *in my most sarcastic voice ever*
As I stated in the beginning my day was AMAZING...starting out! Things were going just as I prayed they would. I got the laptop, sat at the table and got ready to start on my 2nd book. I got up to look for my headphones because I like to play Pandora while writing but I didn't want to disturb the rest of the house! Headphones in hand I said to myself, "headphones, check! But where is my notebook". While searching for my notebook I found an unopened piece of mail. I open the piece of mail and what do we have, another dang gone collection notice! This time it was different than any other notice, it was threatening repossessions and searching for me! "Searching for me?" "Repossession of what?" "I don't own anything for them to take and I am not missing so a search party is not needed!" Those were just a handful of thoughts that immediately flooded my already filled head. Then I find another unopened letter and this time it was a letter from Advocate Christ Medical Center telling me they had a break in where someone stole 3 of their computers which had ALL client personal information in it! So, that is my address, my phone number and my SSN just to name a few. By this time my mood is completely changed! I am no longer joyful. I am no longer ready to take my day on! I am no longer filled with excitement! I am no longer content! I was the exact opposite. I was angry! I was worried! I was stressed! I had an immediate headache! I started trying to figure things out and try to think about what I am going to do! To add to all of that, I live in a house with people that do not know Christ! I am a DAILY example of what life with Him looks like! I am the only example they know! And of course today I was not home alone like I wished! My attitude could be felt! It filled the room like an unwanted odor! I displayed the worst example ever!
The more I was asked "what's wrong" the more I felt my eyes watering up! So I went to my only "quiet" place in the house: the bathroom! Boom! It happened! I allowed the enemy all up in my mind! And please believe he came FULL FORCE! He attacked and attacked and attacked! Telling me I am a let down! I am a failure at life! I will never amount to anything! My life will aways be a "trying to catch up" race! Let me give you a little background on my life! I dropped out of college in 2010 after only one semester because I could not afford it! I stayed in Alabama, where I went to school, in a house I could barely afford! I lived paycheck to paycheck barely making it. Sometimes only eating once a day because thats all I could afford. I slept on a air mattress because thats all I had. I rarely turned the lights on because I couldn't afford the high bill. When I showered I was forced to wash then rinse! Then water was NEVER allowed to stay on! I moved home and again lived paycheck to paycheck, that is when I had a job! Then in 2012 I became "homeless". I use that term very loosely because I was NEVER on the street! I was kicked out of my place and lived with someone I barely knew! No matter how hard she tried to make me feel at home I felt out of place. I felt unwanted! I felt like a burden! Let me be clear, this was never a result of how I was treated! I was just in a hole so deep I couldn't get out of it! So you see, from just that EXTREMELY small glimpse at my past, you now understand the attacks I underwent today! Every thought of me being nothing, could be validated from my past! And as I sat on the bathroom floor I completely broke! I had one of those childlike cries! You know those ones where they don't even make noise for seconds but then they scream! Yep, that was me! It was not even 12pm and I was already over this day!
Then the thoughts shifted from todays "situations" to my life over all. All the things that were not going right! All the things I couldn't "fix"! All the things I couldn't change or solve! I was a complete mess! And then, it clicked, you ungrateful brat! You complainer! Oh ye of little faith! When did God EVER say life would be easy? When did you become greater than Christ? Who really is the judge of 'enough is enough'? We say, "I been through enough" When will it end" "Why me" etc...but look at all Jesus went through!! WITHOUT COMPLAINT!!! So, what were you saying? Go ahead and tell me how bad your life is! I'm listening! *in my most sarcastic voice ever*
"Things" are not ever going to stop, you cant control that! But guess what, you can still cause change. You can adjust your attitude and change your perspective towards those "things"! Yes those "things" are very accurate! Yes they are really happening to you! Some people would say my complaining or doubt can be validated because of my life! Because of my circumstances I am allowed to be frustrated! Who is lying to you? Philipians 4:6 instructs us "Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done." Matthew 6:27 asks us this question "Can any of you by worrying add a single hour to your life"! Complaining comes from the spirit of fear! Something in you does not believe you will be alright! Something in you does not think God will do what He promised He would do! Your unbelief is your problem, not your circumstances! You are NOT what has happened to you! Every day, every situation you have a choice! You can praise or you can complain! You see I could've praised God that I have nothing they can repossess instead of being upset at their threats! I could have made the choice to praise God that I never went a day without shelter, clothes or food instead of complaining and being stuck in the fact that I was put out! I could have choose to praise God for all He has done instead of complaining that He didn't 'fix' the mess I got myself into! Why are we so quick to believe God is a genie in a bottle but we don't have faith in who He really is! Why do we throw fits like a child but cant have childlike faith like we are instructed! We got it all wrong! Jesus is our example and He endured a death He NEVER deserved yet we think we are above Him! Every time you complain about your circumstances you are saying with your actions that you are above Jesus! You are saying you don't "deserve" this! Who are you to say what you do and don't deserve? He died for you, yet when it comes to living for Him we come half heartedly and want our lives to be fixed and perfect! IT DOES NOT WORK LIKE THAT! Your trials will be your testimony! Everything you go through is so you can relate to the next and help them get to our Savior! Stop complaining and start thanking God that He saw you fit to be able to endure what you go through without breaking! God allows you to go through it because it is designed to push you towards Him! So stop allowing it to pull you from Him!
If you are guilty of living the life of a brat I invite you to say this quick prayer and then spend some time just thanking God! It will change your life!
"Father I thank you for choosing me! I thank you for equipping me with all I need to get through every bump in the road! I come to you with a pure heart of repentance for my selfish ways! I apologize for being a brat when life happens! Please forgive me for allowing 'life' to pull me from you! I understand that life will continue to happen but I also know that you are with me every step of the way! From this day forth I will make a conscious effort to praise instead of complain! I ask for your forgiveness for every time I threw a fit, got mad or complained and I ask you to do a heart change in me! For I know that out of the heart the issues of life flow! I know that my problem is not these circumstances but my heart and unbelief! I thank you for your forgiveness and for setting me straight! In Jesus name I pray, Amen!"
I pray this blessed you, until next time!
With Love,
Kaitlyn
Saturday, June 22, 2013
Wanted...(PART 2)
Yesterday I touched on parts of the song and a few things God revealed to me. Today I want to go deep within the word of God, break down different parts of the song that God shined light on and hopefully by end of this you will know without a shadow of doubt that you are wanted!!!!
Dictionary.com defines want as "to feel a need or a desire for; wish for" and "to wish, need, crave, demand or desire". The thesaurus states that the synonyms for wanted are asked for, necessary, needed and requested. Bare with me because I am just trying to lay a foundation so you can fully understand God's feelings towards you. My pastor has always tells me that when you go deep within the meanings of words and break things down you will understand on a whole new level. Now the definition for necessary is being essential, indispensable or requisite. Just a few of the synonyms for necessary are all-important, crucial, imperative, indispensable, needed, needful, pressing, required, significant, urgent and vital. WOW!!!! Now keep in mind that yesterday I stated that God wants us to understand that we are wanted by Him. So, by definition, we are crucial, indispensable, significant and vital to God! TAKE THAT DEVIL!!!!!
If you are like me, this has not been the case at ALL in your life! I have been down graded and demeaned all of my life. I have been told how I am not important, how I am not special and worst of all how unneeded I am. I was just another person taking up space! But my God that it so far from the truth it is ridiculous. First of all, do you really think God would take the time to count the hairs on our head(Luke 12:7, Matthew 10:30) if we weren't important to Him? I mean come on, who pays that much attention to detail on something that is insignificant? NOBODY! In Psalm 139:14 we are told that we are fearfully and wonderfully made! Now how can something that is wonderfully made be "worthless"? How can it be that we can feel not needed, unimportant, not special, etc? You see the lies that people and the enemy tell us are so far fetched that it should be impossible to believe. Unfortunately, words are such a powerfully weapon and if used wrong they can destroy people. If we are not so wrapped up in God's word, what others define us as will become our truth.
Now at other points in the song the lyrics say "any one can tell you your pretty, and you get that all the time, I know ya do, but your beauty's deeper than the make-up...I wanna make you feel better, better than your fairy tales, better than your best dreams, your more than everything". When God spoke to me on this part I just wanted to cry because for anyone that doesn't know, God can speak to your heart like no one else can but you must stop to listen! God said, "this is a love song and that's all great but do you forget that I am the lover of your soul! I can and am willing to give you every ounce of love and affection you could ever possibly want but I wont force myself on you. I am so much better than a love song, I am that I am! I am all that you could ever need. I am more than just some words of a song, I am the action! I am the greatest love story ever told! And guess what, I love you with everything in me! I choose you every time! You are not an after thought, but a planned out purpose in my greater plans. You are so much in my eyes and I want you to feel it. I want you to feel wanted." Whew!!! How great is that! Even greater is that this is not just His feelings towards me! He wants you to feel this too! He wants to make you feel wanted. He wants to hold your hand. He wants you to know your worth! You are so much more than what this world tells you that you are.
My prayer for everyone that reads this is that you will get in touch with who God says you are! I pray that you would shut out the lies for good. I pray that you would understand you are wonderful. You are beautiful. You are special! You are needed! Your life has meaning and a purpose. You are WANTED!!!!!
Dictionary.com defines want as "to feel a need or a desire for; wish for" and "to wish, need, crave, demand or desire". The thesaurus states that the synonyms for wanted are asked for, necessary, needed and requested. Bare with me because I am just trying to lay a foundation so you can fully understand God's feelings towards you. My pastor has always tells me that when you go deep within the meanings of words and break things down you will understand on a whole new level. Now the definition for necessary is being essential, indispensable or requisite. Just a few of the synonyms for necessary are all-important, crucial, imperative, indispensable, needed, needful, pressing, required, significant, urgent and vital. WOW!!!! Now keep in mind that yesterday I stated that God wants us to understand that we are wanted by Him. So, by definition, we are crucial, indispensable, significant and vital to God! TAKE THAT DEVIL!!!!!
If you are like me, this has not been the case at ALL in your life! I have been down graded and demeaned all of my life. I have been told how I am not important, how I am not special and worst of all how unneeded I am. I was just another person taking up space! But my God that it so far from the truth it is ridiculous. First of all, do you really think God would take the time to count the hairs on our head(Luke 12:7, Matthew 10:30) if we weren't important to Him? I mean come on, who pays that much attention to detail on something that is insignificant? NOBODY! In Psalm 139:14 we are told that we are fearfully and wonderfully made! Now how can something that is wonderfully made be "worthless"? How can it be that we can feel not needed, unimportant, not special, etc? You see the lies that people and the enemy tell us are so far fetched that it should be impossible to believe. Unfortunately, words are such a powerfully weapon and if used wrong they can destroy people. If we are not so wrapped up in God's word, what others define us as will become our truth.
Now at other points in the song the lyrics say "any one can tell you your pretty, and you get that all the time, I know ya do, but your beauty's deeper than the make-up...I wanna make you feel better, better than your fairy tales, better than your best dreams, your more than everything". When God spoke to me on this part I just wanted to cry because for anyone that doesn't know, God can speak to your heart like no one else can but you must stop to listen! God said, "this is a love song and that's all great but do you forget that I am the lover of your soul! I can and am willing to give you every ounce of love and affection you could ever possibly want but I wont force myself on you. I am so much better than a love song, I am that I am! I am all that you could ever need. I am more than just some words of a song, I am the action! I am the greatest love story ever told! And guess what, I love you with everything in me! I choose you every time! You are not an after thought, but a planned out purpose in my greater plans. You are so much in my eyes and I want you to feel it. I want you to feel wanted." Whew!!! How great is that! Even greater is that this is not just His feelings towards me! He wants you to feel this too! He wants to make you feel wanted. He wants to hold your hand. He wants you to know your worth! You are so much more than what this world tells you that you are.
My prayer for everyone that reads this is that you will get in touch with who God says you are! I pray that you would shut out the lies for good. I pray that you would understand you are wonderful. You are beautiful. You are special! You are needed! Your life has meaning and a purpose. You are WANTED!!!!!
Friday, June 21, 2013
Wanted...(PART 1)
Music is a very powerful thing in today's world. Songs have the power to be mood setters. I feel no matter what the genre, if the words move me, a song can really bring light into dark areas! You see, I choose to listen to the words behind the music. I search for the message in a song. Anyone that knows me, knows that I am NOT a huge fan of country music. I am, however, a fan of music and any song with the right message has the power to capture my attention and possibly open a door for me to hear from God! You see my pastor always tells us that you can find God everywhere if you just look. Today, I found God in a country song and I'd like to share with you what He showed me.
Today I was doing my, what I like to call, music search! LOL. I forewarned you that I love music so don't judge me, but usually every couple of months I'll get on YouTube and find songs to download. I love adding to my music library! Today in particular I was only downloading gospel and I started with Britt Nicole and a few other artist that have played in the past few weeks at church during worship. (Side note: If you are struggling with not feeling like you are where you should be I STRONGLY suggest you listen to Britt Nicole's song "The Sun is Rising") Just as I was drawing a blank and didn't know what artist to search next I hear "I wanna make you feel wanted". Very random, I know, but this is not the first nor the last time this will happen to me because as I told you above you can find God anywhere. So the first thing I do, as I have in times past, is go to google and type in "I wanna make you feel wanted" and sure enough a song pops up in the results! Not only does it come up, it is the ONLY result that popped up on the first page! Whew, talk about God trying to make sure I didn't miss this one!
I am the type of person that has a deep desire to be loved, almost borderline "needy"! Hey, if you can't be honest you can't get free! This desire fuels an even deeper desire which is a desire to be married! I want a man that loves me so strong that he never wants to be with any one else. I want a man that WANTS to spend the rest of his life with me! I want to, as the song states, feel wanted. God used this song to not only speak to my desires, but to open my eyes to the very truth that I have over looked time and time again. We are wanted!!!!!
In the song, the artist states "I wanna wrap you up, wanna kiss your lips, wanna make you feel wanted, And I wanna call you mine, wanna hold your hand forever and never let you forget it"! Whew, what girl doesn't want that? Deep down what girl doesn't want that type of attention, that type of feeling but most of all that type of affection. Guess what? God is longing to be that man! That man that holds our hand through even the hardest of times. He wants to be that man that we think of first, the one whom we can't sleep without saying good night to. God wants to be our first choice not come sloppy seconds to the men of this world!
Then God asked me how do you expect to succeed in a marriage if you cant even love Me, the creator of love, without reserve! If you hold back from Me, the one who should have your all, you will hold back from your husband. If you cant let me love you, you will never let another man love you...at least not the way you deserve.
TO BE CONTINUED.....
Be sure to come back tomorrow for PART 2....where I will reveal all of what God spoke and remind you of exactly how wanted and loved you are!!!
Today I was doing my, what I like to call, music search! LOL. I forewarned you that I love music so don't judge me, but usually every couple of months I'll get on YouTube and find songs to download. I love adding to my music library! Today in particular I was only downloading gospel and I started with Britt Nicole and a few other artist that have played in the past few weeks at church during worship. (Side note: If you are struggling with not feeling like you are where you should be I STRONGLY suggest you listen to Britt Nicole's song "The Sun is Rising") Just as I was drawing a blank and didn't know what artist to search next I hear "I wanna make you feel wanted". Very random, I know, but this is not the first nor the last time this will happen to me because as I told you above you can find God anywhere. So the first thing I do, as I have in times past, is go to google and type in "I wanna make you feel wanted" and sure enough a song pops up in the results! Not only does it come up, it is the ONLY result that popped up on the first page! Whew, talk about God trying to make sure I didn't miss this one!
I am the type of person that has a deep desire to be loved, almost borderline "needy"! Hey, if you can't be honest you can't get free! This desire fuels an even deeper desire which is a desire to be married! I want a man that loves me so strong that he never wants to be with any one else. I want a man that WANTS to spend the rest of his life with me! I want to, as the song states, feel wanted. God used this song to not only speak to my desires, but to open my eyes to the very truth that I have over looked time and time again. We are wanted!!!!!
In the song, the artist states "I wanna wrap you up, wanna kiss your lips, wanna make you feel wanted, And I wanna call you mine, wanna hold your hand forever and never let you forget it"! Whew, what girl doesn't want that? Deep down what girl doesn't want that type of attention, that type of feeling but most of all that type of affection. Guess what? God is longing to be that man! That man that holds our hand through even the hardest of times. He wants to be that man that we think of first, the one whom we can't sleep without saying good night to. God wants to be our first choice not come sloppy seconds to the men of this world!
Then God asked me how do you expect to succeed in a marriage if you cant even love Me, the creator of love, without reserve! If you hold back from Me, the one who should have your all, you will hold back from your husband. If you cant let me love you, you will never let another man love you...at least not the way you deserve.
TO BE CONTINUED.....
Be sure to come back tomorrow for PART 2....where I will reveal all of what God spoke and remind you of exactly how wanted and loved you are!!!
Monday, March 11, 2013
Would you just FIGHT!!!!!!!
Why me? One of the most popular questions of the typical selfish person! It is usually accompanied by its cousins "This is to hard", "I can't", "When will this be over", "I'm tired" and my favorite "Why has God abandon me"! I know all of these questions oh too well! In fact, I have asked myself each of these questions on so many occasions that I have lost count! Pretty depressing, right? I mean really who wants to be around such a negative person all the time? NO ONE! And believe me I know that feeling too well too! Over the course of a year I managed to "loose" just about everyone closest to me! I put loose in quotations because they didn't pass away, I pushed them away! I made the choice to "do me" and that choice had consequences. One of which was unfortunately being "alone". In my choice to "do me", I chose to allow lies to become my truth. My truth was now formed around the fact that, in my eyes, it was too hard! Life was unfair and I couldn't keep up. I couldn't win the battle. The battle over my mind. I couldn't win the fight against my flesh. I couldn't even stay in the ring. Heck, the devil was knocking me clean out before I could even get my hands up to fight back. When in reality, it wasn't that I couldn't it was that I refused to try! I was loosing time after time.
I was once told that once you truly become tired you'll know! I use to get SO mad because in my mind I was tired. I wanted out of my situation. I wanted to be "free" from my thoughts. I wanted to be released from this bondage. I wanted my relationships back. I wanted my joy back. Now looking back on it I realize I wasn't tired enough! When you're truly tired you'll do something about your situations. When you're truly tired you'll fight back. When you're tired, your situations will change. You'll have this overwhelming feeling of fight come over you. You'll gain a sense of strength, in God, that you never realized you had. Until then, you're just a attention needing person. You just want to throw a pity party! You just want people to feel sorry for you! You just want to keep singing the "whoa is me song". Let me tell you something THAT SONG IS PLAYED OUT!
Someone very wise once told me that the battle is in your mind! Conquer that, and you've already won half the battle! I know that was true for me. I had so much going on in my mind that I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel no matter how hard I looked! And trust I looked!!! Now don't get me wrong, I had good days. That's just it, good days don't equal a good life! Good days don't equal joy! Joy is so much more than a good day! True joy enables you to stay consistent in an inconsistent world! True joy allows you the ability to persist and fight through your obstacles with a "I got this" mentality! True joy allows you to keep a smile on your face as well as in your heart when everyone would understand if you broke down.
1 Chronicles 16:11 says "Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always". Let me tell you, it is IMPOSSIBLE to fight without God! You can NOT try to fight this battle without staying hidden in him! The devil will knock you out EVERY time! I am evidence of this! I was so caught up in myself, so I stopped seeking God, I stopped going to my accountability people and I took on the "I don't need anyone mindset". It was only a matter a time before that shifted to "I just can't..." and that mindset almost destroyed me!
You have to realize your strength! Luke 10:19 says "Behold, I give unto you power to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy; and nothing shall by any means hurt you." Now that is some good news. We have power over ALL, not some, of the power of the enemy and NOTHING can hurt us! On the other hand, no matter how GREAT that news is, it means nothing if we don't know it! I would like to encourage every person to do a little homework after reading this especially if your a person that likes to give up! Especially if one of your favorite songs to sing is "whoa is me".
1. Get on Google and look up how many people got killed today! Find out how many people got their lives taken from them.
2. Research how many people are homeless today! How many people have no idea where they will lay their head, or where their next meal will come from!
3. Take into consideration how many people know nothing about God or his truth! How many people don't have access to the freedom you do. How many people don't know even a glimpse of the joy that you could know. How many people are still bound.
4. Get on your face and repent for your selfishness!!! Ain't no body got time for your "its all about me" show! Get your mind off of yourself! ITS NOT ABOUT YOU!
5. Get in your word! That truth will save your life time and time again. It will keep you in perfect peace if you let it. It will keep you praising! It will....keep you!!! You can be free! You can fight! Its your choice to be bound! Its your choice to keep feeling sorry for yourself and stay in the place your in!
6. FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!!! This is not a one time thing! This is not a I'll fight today and the devil will leave me alone. WRONG!! My pastor teaches us to read between the lines in the bible. For example in James 4:7 it says "Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you." Now if you don't resist the devil, what do you think he will do? Exactly, he will stay! Its not enough to pretend he don't exist or he can't touch you! You must fight him! Run from him! Tell him NO! Tell him he's a LIAR!! The devil will continue to attack you! You must put on the armor of God DAILY and be prepared for battle!
7. Keep in mind the devil can do NOTHING new! He may come in different forms but its always with the same thing! Pay attention to previous attacks! Know what it is that you struggle with then find out what God says about it. Find out what God says about you. Know your worth! Know who you are in him! When you know, you can't be lied to. You can't be tricked. It will make the fight not only easier but you will see the devil coming. You will stop him before he even gets his fist up instead of being knocked out before round one even starts!
These are just a few things to help you but the moral of it all is...FIGHT!! No matter what NEVER stop! Even when you're thinking your loosing. Even when you feel you have nothing left. Even when you feel life just isn't worth it! Even when you can't see the end! DON'T STOP FIGHTING!! God will send your deliverance through your persistence. He will pull you out at just the right time! Always remember God loves you more than you'll ever be able to wrap your mind around.
A last thought: 1 Corinthians 10:13 "No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it."
I was once told that once you truly become tired you'll know! I use to get SO mad because in my mind I was tired. I wanted out of my situation. I wanted to be "free" from my thoughts. I wanted to be released from this bondage. I wanted my relationships back. I wanted my joy back. Now looking back on it I realize I wasn't tired enough! When you're truly tired you'll do something about your situations. When you're truly tired you'll fight back. When you're tired, your situations will change. You'll have this overwhelming feeling of fight come over you. You'll gain a sense of strength, in God, that you never realized you had. Until then, you're just a attention needing person. You just want to throw a pity party! You just want people to feel sorry for you! You just want to keep singing the "whoa is me song". Let me tell you something THAT SONG IS PLAYED OUT!
Someone very wise once told me that the battle is in your mind! Conquer that, and you've already won half the battle! I know that was true for me. I had so much going on in my mind that I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel no matter how hard I looked! And trust I looked!!! Now don't get me wrong, I had good days. That's just it, good days don't equal a good life! Good days don't equal joy! Joy is so much more than a good day! True joy enables you to stay consistent in an inconsistent world! True joy allows you the ability to persist and fight through your obstacles with a "I got this" mentality! True joy allows you to keep a smile on your face as well as in your heart when everyone would understand if you broke down.
1 Chronicles 16:11 says "Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always". Let me tell you, it is IMPOSSIBLE to fight without God! You can NOT try to fight this battle without staying hidden in him! The devil will knock you out EVERY time! I am evidence of this! I was so caught up in myself, so I stopped seeking God, I stopped going to my accountability people and I took on the "I don't need anyone mindset". It was only a matter a time before that shifted to "I just can't..." and that mindset almost destroyed me!
You have to realize your strength! Luke 10:19 says "Behold, I give unto you power to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy; and nothing shall by any means hurt you." Now that is some good news. We have power over ALL, not some, of the power of the enemy and NOTHING can hurt us! On the other hand, no matter how GREAT that news is, it means nothing if we don't know it! I would like to encourage every person to do a little homework after reading this especially if your a person that likes to give up! Especially if one of your favorite songs to sing is "whoa is me".
1. Get on Google and look up how many people got killed today! Find out how many people got their lives taken from them.
2. Research how many people are homeless today! How many people have no idea where they will lay their head, or where their next meal will come from!
3. Take into consideration how many people know nothing about God or his truth! How many people don't have access to the freedom you do. How many people don't know even a glimpse of the joy that you could know. How many people are still bound.
4. Get on your face and repent for your selfishness!!! Ain't no body got time for your "its all about me" show! Get your mind off of yourself! ITS NOT ABOUT YOU!
5. Get in your word! That truth will save your life time and time again. It will keep you in perfect peace if you let it. It will keep you praising! It will....keep you!!! You can be free! You can fight! Its your choice to be bound! Its your choice to keep feeling sorry for yourself and stay in the place your in!
6. FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!!! This is not a one time thing! This is not a I'll fight today and the devil will leave me alone. WRONG!! My pastor teaches us to read between the lines in the bible. For example in James 4:7 it says "Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you." Now if you don't resist the devil, what do you think he will do? Exactly, he will stay! Its not enough to pretend he don't exist or he can't touch you! You must fight him! Run from him! Tell him NO! Tell him he's a LIAR!! The devil will continue to attack you! You must put on the armor of God DAILY and be prepared for battle!
7. Keep in mind the devil can do NOTHING new! He may come in different forms but its always with the same thing! Pay attention to previous attacks! Know what it is that you struggle with then find out what God says about it. Find out what God says about you. Know your worth! Know who you are in him! When you know, you can't be lied to. You can't be tricked. It will make the fight not only easier but you will see the devil coming. You will stop him before he even gets his fist up instead of being knocked out before round one even starts!
These are just a few things to help you but the moral of it all is...FIGHT!! No matter what NEVER stop! Even when you're thinking your loosing. Even when you feel you have nothing left. Even when you feel life just isn't worth it! Even when you can't see the end! DON'T STOP FIGHTING!! God will send your deliverance through your persistence. He will pull you out at just the right time! Always remember God loves you more than you'll ever be able to wrap your mind around.
A last thought: 1 Corinthians 10:13 "No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it."
Monday, March 4, 2013
"I just wanna be...I just wanna be SUCCESSFUL"
Yesterday at church the question was asked "How do you define success"! After what seemed like forever, a few answers came and I put emphasis on FEW lol. All of which were what seemed to be answers everyone thought the pastor wanted to hear. When in reality how many of us have ever given much thought to the question. Although I can almost guarantee we'd wished it! Almost everyone says they want success but what do you actually know about it! Do you even know what success means to you? Have you spent the time to see what it'll take to get there? We sit back and look at the signers, actors, pastors, models, millionaires and so forth and we say we want success! Everyone just wants to be successful! But what does that success look like to you? Is it getting your dream car? Or maybe success means having your dream job or a huge house? Maybe success to you is having all the money you need.
The dictionary defines success as: 1. the favorable or prosperous termination of attempts or endeavors; the accomplishment of one's goals. 2. the attainment of wealth, position, honors, or the like. Isn't it ironic that even the worlds definition doesn't even define success as being wealthy or your position until the second definition? It is nothing more than accomplishing a goal!
If your defining your success by money, possessions or once your reach a certain position ask yourself this question: how much really is enough? You cant predict the future nor can you plan for every financial 'burden' that may come across, so in that sense how do you know what enough looks like? The truth behind the matter is that the human is a 'needy' being! We naturally are not satisfied! You will always want the bigger or better something! We will never be fully satisfied through money, cars, houses or the like!
There must be more to life than things! There must be more to success than money and materialistic things that will fade away. If you ask me I have two beliefs on success. First of all, I believe the ultimate peek of success that point of "there is nothing else I can do" will be reached once I see my name in the Book of Life! Until then I am nothing but a spiritual being, trapped here on earth trying to fight this battle called life! Trying to kill myself daily and obey God! I say that is the ultimate success because if I reach the end and don't get that what in life really mattered? Once I die, that is all that will matter so why not make that the ultimate now?
With that being said I also believe that life is a series of small successes! Things that you overcome as you go through each stage of your life. For me, my "success goal" changes just about every season, and for this one it happens to be 'loving me'! Once I can learn me, who I am, love me and not be molded into what people want me to be or think I should be I will be successful in that area! Even then I am not done! I will have something else I'll want to work on, pursue or work towards! So in that sense, success is just a continual mountain with small mountains along the way!
Success is more than what you have thought of! Success is more than what the world says it is! Success is loving yourself! Success is living when you've wanted to die! Success is moving beyond hurt, depression, sorrow, tears, fear, etc. Success is waking up and praising God when everything in your life is falling apart! Success is a single mother leading and upholding her family with God at the for front. Success is giving in midst of your lack! Success is overcoming when all the odds are stacked against you! Success is going to school, getting a job, making something of your life, etc when all you've grown up around was drugs, guns, gangs, etc. Success is not being a statistic. Success is choosing to make your own beat instead of dancing to someones! Success is not falling into peer pressure! Success is standing up and say no! You can be successful in your everyday decisions! You can be a success everyday you choose to be! The choice is yours!
"Money NEVER made anyone rich"
"Happiness is a choice not a response"
The dictionary defines success as: 1. the favorable or prosperous termination of attempts or endeavors; the accomplishment of one's goals. 2. the attainment of wealth, position, honors, or the like. Isn't it ironic that even the worlds definition doesn't even define success as being wealthy or your position until the second definition? It is nothing more than accomplishing a goal!
If your defining your success by money, possessions or once your reach a certain position ask yourself this question: how much really is enough? You cant predict the future nor can you plan for every financial 'burden' that may come across, so in that sense how do you know what enough looks like? The truth behind the matter is that the human is a 'needy' being! We naturally are not satisfied! You will always want the bigger or better something! We will never be fully satisfied through money, cars, houses or the like!
There must be more to life than things! There must be more to success than money and materialistic things that will fade away. If you ask me I have two beliefs on success. First of all, I believe the ultimate peek of success that point of "there is nothing else I can do" will be reached once I see my name in the Book of Life! Until then I am nothing but a spiritual being, trapped here on earth trying to fight this battle called life! Trying to kill myself daily and obey God! I say that is the ultimate success because if I reach the end and don't get that what in life really mattered? Once I die, that is all that will matter so why not make that the ultimate now?
With that being said I also believe that life is a series of small successes! Things that you overcome as you go through each stage of your life. For me, my "success goal" changes just about every season, and for this one it happens to be 'loving me'! Once I can learn me, who I am, love me and not be molded into what people want me to be or think I should be I will be successful in that area! Even then I am not done! I will have something else I'll want to work on, pursue or work towards! So in that sense, success is just a continual mountain with small mountains along the way!
Success is more than what you have thought of! Success is more than what the world says it is! Success is loving yourself! Success is living when you've wanted to die! Success is moving beyond hurt, depression, sorrow, tears, fear, etc. Success is waking up and praising God when everything in your life is falling apart! Success is a single mother leading and upholding her family with God at the for front. Success is giving in midst of your lack! Success is overcoming when all the odds are stacked against you! Success is going to school, getting a job, making something of your life, etc when all you've grown up around was drugs, guns, gangs, etc. Success is not being a statistic. Success is choosing to make your own beat instead of dancing to someones! Success is not falling into peer pressure! Success is standing up and say no! You can be successful in your everyday decisions! You can be a success everyday you choose to be! The choice is yours!
"Money NEVER made anyone rich"
"Happiness is a choice not a response"
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