Flashback…My secret life!

I do not own my own car. Since I was 18 I have paid gas, insurance and part of repairs on my fathers car. Let me add, although I do all of that, he is still what I like to call "sum-timie" with when he allows me to use it. So today I had to drop my sister off with her friends and she said I could use her car for the weekend! PRAISE God…was my first thought! My flashback soon followed. A flashback of who I use to be. A flashback to what I use to do when I had use of a car. Here is my story, I hope it inspires you to be more!

His name was Rell(nick name to protect his identity)! I met him sometime between 2007 and 2008. What started out as the best friendship I think I have ever had up to that point took a turn for the worst! It became my worst temptation and best lesson! Rell and I shared with each other on a level no one I ever knew did! He opened up to me on a level I never seen a man open up. He told me his dreams, his hopes, his hurts, disappointments and more! He let me in to places that I never expected him to grant me access to! He soon became my best friend all while remaining a secret from everyone I knew. Let me say this ladies, if you have to hide what your doing or who you are talking with then you have no business talking to them! If you can't or won't introduce him to those you love, those who can "judge" him without an emotional connection then you need to evaluate what kind of relationship you have! I can promise you it is not a Godly one! My first red flag was when Rell refused to come to church to meet my spiritual father! My second was when he professed that he isn't in relationship with God and doesn't plan on changing that. I should have ran for my life at that point, but I didn't! I stayed! I had already allowed him to draw me so far in that I couldn't think straight. I talked to him all day everyday! I was always told that if a man wants to talk to you he will. When Rell was the one initiating most of our conversations, I believed he wanted me in his life. He called/texted first, of course he wanted to talk to me. My mistake, never questioning why! I never asked his intentions. I never asked what role I played in his life or my place in his future. For about 3 years, we built and built a friendship that even those closest to me never knew about! In 2010, after coming back from Alabama was when everything changed. It was at that point that we went from friends to "friends with benefits". Rell went from talking to me like a friend to flirting. He went from needing my advice to needing to see me! Things went from a friendship with no boundaries to me acting like I had no standards. You see, when you are in even the most basic relationship with that of the opposite sex you MUST set boundaries. Girl, why is that man allowed to call or text you past 8 or 9pm? What could he possibly need to say that can't wait until a normal hour! The only thing on a mans mind at that hour is….lets say "getting access he didn't pay for". Why is that man in your bed? If you are not married, he has no business in your room let alone on your bed! I don't care if your just watching a movie or just wanted to talk, you better let him know from the start your room is off limits. Why are you all hugged up, all up under him while you watch TV, a movie or relax! Why are you letting that man all in your personal space? Why is he closer to you than you allow God to be? Let me make it real simple, think back to when you were 12-15 years old, if you wouldn't do it in front of your father back then, why are you doing it now! Our problem is that we believe we are above temptation. We think we can handle letting a man all up in our space and then telling him no! Hear me loud and clear YOU WILL NOT TELL HIM NO!!!

You see, I should be dead right now! No one really knows this part of my testimony but I shouldn't be alive today! I am a 24 year old virgin! Those that know me know that I value my purity probably more than anything else about me. I value that God made me to wait. After all my name means pure! I was designed to wait. I was designed to not compromise. When I made the choice to go against my natural design, it almost cost me my life! God revealed such a sobering and terrifying look into my future that caused me to finally cut Rell completely out of my life! That truth did not come until after I had already made the choice to "do my own thing" at all costs. And please believe it cost me some things!

In January of 2011, was the start to my rebellion phase! My ignoring truth phase! It was my season of ignoring the consequences and doing what I want! It was my season of lowering my standards to the point where I didn't know who I was anymore! On this particular night, past 10pm(a complete no-no), Rell sent me the "I'm cold text"! I replied with "me too, you should get you a blanket". Then he hit me with the "you should come over, i'll keep you warm"! I know, worst most cheesiest text ever! A text that I should have easily shut down but I didn't! I jumped up, begged my dad to use the car to go watch a movie at my friends and proceeded to shower/get ready! My heart was about beating out of my chest as I told myself I shouldn't be going! That I should stay home! Myself did not listen! I drove to his house and he greeted me at the door with a long hug! We proceeded to his room(second no-no). I had absolutely no right to be at his house at that hour/alone and especially not his room! I sat on the bed, at the end and completely distant from him. By end of night I had fell asleep in his arms, under his covers! Prior to that he had already kissed my neck, had hands where they didn't belong and was "happy" the whole time because I could feel "it" on my back! This was just the first time! After that things increased each visit. The next time he ended up with no clothes on while laying with me. I found myself in stores buying bra's and under clothes that would please him! Why the heck was I planning on letting him see me without my clothes on? I was giving myself to a man in ways I never should have! Ways that he never earned. He got access to places he never paid for. Not only were we not married, we were not even together. I had got so far into this hole, a pit, that I actually "planned" a day I was going to have sex with him. Like I actually texted him and told him I wanted him to be my first. I allowed my neediness and desire for a man to see me, actually see me, and then choose me to make me "act a fool"! I told myself Rell was choosing me when in reality he just lusted me! After a year on and off, after almost giving myself to a man outside of the covenant of marriage, I cried out to God to save me from a place that I couldn't come out of! I would walk away and go right back! Time and time again I would tell Rell I couldn't talk with him anymore and then a month or so later I missed him and we were right back like nothing happened!

God saved me! God pulled me out of a very dark place. He showed me a glimpse into my future if I were to stay on that path! You see, I mentioned how much my purity really meant to me. Yet in my distracted state, I was not considering that. I was not thinking about how I would deal with the consequences after having sex! God showed me that not only would I fall into the worst depression of my life but I would have also got pregnant! Words have power, and for as long as I remember I have spoken into existence that I would get pregnant the FIRST time I had sex! That pregnancy would have taken me out because I would have tried to take my own life! Suicide has been a spirit that has followed me and if I were to follow through with my fleshly desires and plans that spirit would have taken over! Not only did God stop me from making a HUGE mistake, He saved my life!!!!

So as I was driving home from dropping my sister off today and the thought popped in my head of what I use to do when I had use of a car I almost came to tears! My heart flooded with joy and thanksgiving that He is so mindful of me! Thankful that my God loves me so much that He allowed me to see my potential destruction! That He saw fit to keep me in midst of my disobedience! My secret life caused me much pain, but it also taught me so many lessons! If I could tell young girls one thing through my experience it would be "know your worth and never give a man access he does not deserve…be it emotional, time, sex, relationship status, etc." I pray this opens someones eyes and causes them to go running back to God! You play with fire you will get burned! Your life isn't worth the temporary pleasure your trying to get!

Until next time!
With love,
Kaitlyn