I will be the first to admit 2013 absolutely, positively SUCKED!!!!!!! I mean like really really sucked! I was unemployed for 10 of the 12 months. I lost my best friend, not due to death but due to life! Life events caused a separation that I never expected nor was I prepared for. My "faith meter" was at a all time low. My living situation got worst and worst as I constantly got ripped to pieces by words! I went into a state of isolation that I wouldn't wish on anyone. Ultimately, I was a "dead woman walking". Not because I put my flesh to death for Christ but because I died inside. My heart was broken. My heart, that once beat regularly, was now skipping beats. I hated the sight of people that were still standing strong because I was falling apart. What possibly hurt the most was that I wouldn't let anyone in close enough to walk through it with me. I wouldn't let anyone help me through the year so I went through most of it alone. My pillow so wet with tears some nights I could go swimming in them. Eventually I got so tired of crying I just stopped! I just held it all in. I told myself just suck it up. Be strong! In that decision my tears that once flowed so freely were now dry as a bone. I couldn't cry even if I wanted to. My heart began to harden and I began to really give up. Give up on ever coming out of the pit I had "fallen" into. I gave up on life.
I guess the surprising thing to all this is nothing happened this year that hasn't happened to me before. I've been unemployed more than I've been employed. Sad isn't it? LOL! I've lost friendships more often than I've kept them. My living situation has been hard for as long as I can remember. Negative words have been spoken over me most of my life. Why was this year any different? Why was this year so hard? The difference between this year and others is this year I chose to go at it alone. This year I allowed life events to tear me away from the only one who could help me. I allowed circumstances, as unexpected as they were, to place a seed of hate in my heart. It took me until October to admit it and until now to speak on it. I grew to hate God. Stupid, right? I mean how could you hate The One giving you breath? How could you hate The One that has brought you back to life time and time again? How could you hate The One who has put you back together time and time again like you were Humpty Dumpty?
Never underestimate Satan's power! Even more, never underestimate God's! Satan had eased his was into my mind. Once there he set up camp and was determined to take me out. And take me completely out he almost did. As much as I can say I hated this year, I can't blame anyone but myself. Like I said, everything that happened this year has happened before. The difference was, I decided this year that I was tired of fighting. I was tired of going through the same stuff over and over. I was tired of God "abandoning me" when I needed Him the most. I was tired of people walking out on me. I was tired of being torn down by people's words. I was tired of not being able to love God like everyone else around me. I was tired of so much. But like I have said in previous blogs, when you are really tired change will come. Truth is I wasn't tired I just wanted what I wanted. When I didn't get it I had fits like a child.
I wanted a job I loved! I wanted to feel loved! I wanted to feel important! I wanted real friendship! I wanted people in my life that would stay! I wanted everything but what mattered most…a real, unadulterated relationship with Jesus Christ! I went to church every Sunday and Wednesday but my heart wasn't in it. I sat back and watched everyone I know get closer and closer to Him. I watched as He broke chains in their lives. I watched as they became more and more in love with Him as they became more and more free. Free to worship! Free to love! Free to believe! As they got free, I got more bound. Sunday December 22, it all changed! Pastor taught on Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. How God was calling His people to choose. To really choose who you will be and who you will serve. On that day, I realize I caused my 2013! Every single thing I was going through was God calling me back home. He was calling me back to Him. Yet I was so blinded by what was happening to me that I never stopped to ask why.
My 2013 didn't have to go how it did. I chose things and people over Him. I wanted things and people more than I wanted Him. Ironically, He is all I need. He is the greatest friend I could ever have. He is the best provider you could ever find. He is the healer above all doctors. He is the lover of our soul. Everything I was fighting for and longing for He was trying to show me that He was that!!! HE IS EVERYTHING!!!!!! As the tears flow freely as I type this I can't do anything but thank Him! That Sunday He told me "I am proud of you! I have been waiting on you!" He didn't condemn me for turning on Him! He didn't make me earn my way back in! He was waiting on me! Guess what He is waiting on you too! Whether you have never made the decision to follow Him or you walked away, He is waiting on you! His love for us surpasses our wildest dreams! His love for you is greater than you could ever imagine. Don't enter another year without Him! He is the greatest Father, friend, lover you could ever encounter! Have a REAL encounter with Him! Allow Him into your life like you never have before. YOUR LIFE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME!!!
My prayer for everyone reading this is that 2014 will be your best year yet because your relationship with God is the best its ever been. Not because you get a new job, more money, a new car, a house or anything else "man made". None of that really matters if your going through life empty and alone! Let God be all that He longs to be in your life and watch your life turn around! He wants you, all of you! I hope you will choose Him this year!
Happy New Year!!!!
With love,
Kaitlyn
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