Wednesday I was asked, possibly for the first time, "What changed? When did you notice the shift?" This is my story! Where I was, What God said and Where I am today!
Where I was
Prior to December 22, 2013 I was an absolute mess to say the least! I was in such a bondage in my mind that I literally felt like I was drowning. I felt as though I was sinking further and further into this black whole that I had no idea how to get out of. At 24 years old, I had yet to find out the magic trick to life. The magic formula for happiness, peace and sanity! I longed for the day where I could just breath, relax and enjoy life. No worries, no cares, no stress! Life hit and it hit HARD! My mind was in this trap that I couldn't seem to get free from. I felt such a loneliness and isolation that is unexplainable. I still went to church every Wednesday and Sunday but I was mentally checked out. How I could feel such an emptiness and loneliness in a room full of people that actually love me was beyond me.
I was just a reflector! I reflected what was happening to me. I allowed all that was going on around me to become who I was. I was just the unemployed grown woman without any money. I was just the one who wasn't good enough for any of her "best friends" to stay around. I was just the girl who couldn't find anything right within herself. I was the one who couldn't possibly please God. I mean, look at my life, He had to have made a mistake in choosing me. I continually mess up, my mind continually trapped me up, I would make it so far and then mess up again. My mind was a wreck. Up until that day I had taken ownership of every thought. As negative and wrong as they were, I took them on as my own. I became everything the enemy was telling me I was. From that, I pretty much checked out on life. I was here physically but man mentally I was so gone. By this point, the thoughts began to come so frequently I just couldn't seem to keep up. I stopped fighting back. I stopped caring. I was just done.
What God Said
On December 22, 2013 my Pastor taught a message on Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He said that God was calling us to be one person. That God wanted us to finally make a choice. On that day God was speaking directly to me. For once, in MONTHS, He finally got my attention. I knew God needed me to choose what side I would be on. To choose if I wanted to live or die. To choose if I wanted joy or sadness. To choose if I was going to continue to wallow in self pity or if I was going to get up and do something about my life. Until that point I never really grasped the truth that we have a choice in everything. Like I said before I was always the reactor. Up until that day I believed God wanted nothing to do with me but He wouldn't leave me so I had to leave Him. Foolish right? But the thoughts and the power this mind has if you let it go there, whew!! It is something else. I went up for the alter call and all God would permit the alter worker to say was "Thank you! I have been waiting for you. This is your day!" Over and over again they repeated it. "Thank you! I have been waiting for you! I have been waiting for you!" It was at that moment that I connected with God's great love FOR ME!! As I stood there weeping before Him, I felt Him like never before. He was no longer this far fetched idea or this God that everyone else speaks of, it was at that moment that He became MY GOD! My peace! It was at that moment that I realized how deeply He cares for me! How deeply He loves me! To not condemn me, correct me, tell me all the wrong I had been doing and what I needed to fix…instead He chose to love on me! Instead He chose to make me understand that I am important to Him. Up until that day, He was the God I served because I believed in everyone else's stories about Him. On that day He became the lover of my soul! When asked, "When did the shift happen", the answer is easy…December 22, 2013! If you have never had that encounter with God, that shifting from He is God to He is MY GOD, you may not understand what I felt. But oh if you have, you know exactly what it did to me.
Where I am Today
Today I am a new person. It is so hard for me to explain the shift accurately and completely because when I say God shifted me I mean I am no where near who I was. It happened so suddenly. Since that day I decided within myself that I would be surrendered, in all areas of my life. I determined within myself that I would be completely surrendered to God. In that decision, I also had to surrender to my leadership and who God placed me under. I became involved, serving and taking classes. I was in the Eunuch for the Kingdom Sake class, then I took a Prophetic Training class. You may not see the significance in that but it was HUGE for me. I was terrified to do the Prophetic class. Up until then I was TERRIFIED to even pray in front of people let alone prophesied, but like I said I was committed to completely surrendering. My leaders said the class was mandatory so that meant I was obligated to take it. It was not an option for me and that is how I saw it. I began to witness my thoughts shifting. It was no longer an option for me to walk into service at 10am, I am now there by 8:30am every Sunday! It was no longer an option for me to not show up to woman's prayer! We had a 30day prayer watch one month, and I knew it was mandatory for me. Every chance I get to plug in, serve and do what I am suppose to be doing as a Eunuch I now run towards it instead of running away from it. Service is only one aspect of my surrendered life. Possibly the greatest change that happened in me was the change in my mind. I have a hold on my mind and I don't plan on letting go!! To sit here and describe every single thing that is different in me would take so much time. Its easiest to just say I am who God always wanted me to be. I am Joy! I am no longer one who gets tossed back and forth, being moved by circumstances. I have peace and a contentment that is unexplainable. Have things stopped happening, HECK NO!! They never will! As long as we have an adversary we will have struggles. The difference now is I know and BELIEVE Gods word.
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because
of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never
leave you nor forsake you."-Deuteronomy 31:6
"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who
loves us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels
nor demons, neither present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor
depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the
love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."-Romans 8:37-39
"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I
have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation,
whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can
do all things through him who gives me strength."-Philippians 4:12-13
I could go on and on of all the scriptures that now became my truth but that would take forever. In reality, I began to actually own these as truths to me instead of just something I read. I stopped being only a hearer of the word and became a doer. Today I have more peace, joy, love, grace, gentleness, etc than I have had my entire christian life. To put it simply, today I am free. Free to be myself. Free from the hurt and pain of my past. Free from the fear of what people might think of me. Free from the mental torment and the emotional baggage. Today I am whole. Today I am new. Today I love and am free to be loved. Today I am loving life. I have learned to enjoy God!!!! Possibly the greatest lesson I could have ever learned. Scripture says we are saved by grace, not of works, lest any man boast. God is not a merit system in which I must keep proving myself to Him. I will make mistakes, and I will never be perfect, but God never loves me any less. I have stopped that fight within myself that says "I just gotta get it right"! I've learn to, instead, just live life. Do what I know is right! Grow in God by spending time with Him. But most of all I've learned to just follow instruction! The heaviness that was once in my heart is gone. The stress that I use to have is no longer there. This free place is a place I pray everyone reaches. It is the greatest place to be.
Until next time,
~Kaitlyn
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