Transparent moment: I’m not sure I love them...

For those that don’t know, I’m a uber driver in the Chicagoland area(if you want some GOOD extra money i’ll post my referral link below for you to get started). Yesterday afternoon I was finishing my last ride to allow for my $70 bonus as I clicked accept I was moving so fast I didn’t initially pay attention to the pick up address. I just relied on the GPS to navigate me there. When I was less than 1 block away it said “arrived, Planned Parenthood...”! My heart sunk, my eyes bucked and I thought to myself I can’t do this...I cannot pick up someone who possibly just killed their baby. But there was no turning back now, she was standing outside ready and waiting walking up to my car. If I canceled the trip right while she was already at my car that would be so rude. I just prayed Lord don’t let this be what I think, please don’t let her had killed that innocent baby. She was going over 40mins away, and within that first 20min she was on the phone and I won’t share all that was said BUT she did in fact just have a abortion 😢💔 

“Owe nothing to anyone--except for your obligation to love one another. If you love your neighbor, you will fulfill the requirements of God's law“

Romans 13:8

As my heart was breaking inside my chest I heard the above scripture. I thought about how I was going to deny her that ride...how I didn’t even really want her in my car. I thought about how sad I was about her decision. I thought about how wrong it was. All in all I was judging her...so much judgement with no knowledge at all. Absent of all evidence of Christ’s love. 

As I was driving I thought about so many people and things. I thought about the 19yr old boy who just shot up the school in Florida and how a friend of mine works there. I thought about all the lives that were senselessly taken and how it could’ve been hers. I thought about the man who shot a girl I went to high school with a few weeks ago and left her for dead. 😢 This whole car ride I was fighting tears as my heart continued to break over things I was clearly still holding onto. I thought about so many injustices. So many hurtful things done by people. I thought about how my own cousin told me how horrible of a person I am, how my life isn’t worth it. I thought about the man who took my sister in laws life 2 years ago. About the man who molested me as a child. Just so many things racing through my head. 

With every situation, every heartache that crossed my mind was followed up with Romans 13:8. I would think about the wrong done and then immediately I would hear but you owe them love. Specifically we are obligated to love. Growing up I repeatedly heard “I love you but I don’t have to like you”! But what does that look like? Oftentimes it looks like withholding yourself. It looks like a shift in character. It looks like talking about the person. All these people in my memory who harmed or took away people I Love didn’t do something I liked!! Let me be clear I don’t like what they did!!!!! I don’t like that I will never see my sister in law again and that she was murdered in front of her kids and husband. I don’t like that I was molested as a child. I don’t like that a high school friend was left for dead in a alley. I don’t like that the girl that got in my car killed her child when I know so many people who wish they could have their own children. 

But when it’s all said and done, I can’t stop those things. I can’t stop senseless murders. I can’t stop sexual our verbal abuse. I can’t stop sin from taking place. I can’t right those wrongs. 

“We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our Attitudes.”

~Charles R. Swindoll~

My attitude? That’s it! That’s all I can control, and even that seems uncontrollable at times. Love! I owe these heartless people love? These damaging people. These harmful people. It’s my obligation to love them? And in that moment, while pondering all the heartache I realized, I don’t love them. I don’t love with Christ’s love. Well, according to scripture that is. 

“Love never gives up.

Love cares more for others than for self.

Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.

Love doesn’t strut,

Doesn’t have a swelled head,

Doesn’t force itself on others,

Isn’t always “me first,”

Doesn’t fly off the handle,

Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,

Doesn’t revel when others grovel,

Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,

Puts up with anything,

Trusts God always,

Always looks for the best,

Never looks back,

But keeps going to the end.”

1 Corinthians 13:5-7

Love never gives up! I had given up on these people long ago! I wrote them off in my book as too far gone for redemption. Love doesn’t keep score of the sins of others. But I continued to rehearse those wrongs over and over. I remember what was done. I keep a tally of the wrongs. No matter how “justified” I thought it to be, it isn’t love. Jesus walked side by side with the very man who sold him to his murderers. Not once did Jesus shift his position or attitude towards Judas. That is true love. That is accuracy. 

So I ask you this, who has harmed you or a loved one that you still are professing “I don’t have to like you to love you”. And is that hearts confession causing you to shift in character? Have you given up on them? Have you written them off as too far gone? Have you wished harm to them because of what they did? Have you kept score of all the wrong they’ve done? Continually rehearsing it in your mind? Those things are evidence of a heart and life not yet perfected in love. Those are signs of a believer who is still self preserving.

I know what they did hurt. No, it wasn’t ok. No it wasn’t right. Yes it was painful. Yes it damaged. Yes it may have removed a piece of you that you may feel you will never get back. But the Lord requires us to love them. And yes, that commandment is a lofty one. However the privileges of our relationship with Him is that we aren’t left to ourselves. He doesn’t expect us to figure it all out. He will teach us to love the unlovable. He will give us the grace and ability to love those who have caused so much damage. That very extension of love could be the very thing they have always longed for. 

Lord, help us to love like Christ’s loves the church! How He willingly laid His life down for us. Lord let us lay ourselves aside continually. Give us the strength and desire to love even the least of them. Cause your great and perfect love to manifest in the lives of your people. No, we don’t like what people do. Yes sometimes it hurts immensely, but nonetheless we are to love them. Grow within us the willingness to walk in love accurately every day. 

Amen!! 

I’m still a work in progress, I pray my transparency helped someone. 

~Kaitlyn Marie~

The process: No going back

I have often been told that you can see and experience God anywhere if you just look. Yesterday I went hiking at Starved Rock State Park, if ever in the area make the visit it's breathtaking views of God's creation are worth every moment! This was my second time there. I had high expectations of beautiful views and even more amazing waterfalls. Last time I went me and my best friend were told it was too hot and all the waterfalls dried up. But towards the end of the path we found one amazing flowing canyon called Lasalle! So yesterday when I went I knew just where I wanted to go first. I took the 1.5hr hike to Lasalle and boy was it worth it. As I stood behind the waterfall in awe of Gods creation I didn't want to stop there.


When you got to Lasalle you had the opportunity to either go down to the waterfall then turn around or you could take the path that wraps around it and head back on the other side of the canyon. Last time me and my friend turned around so this time I wanted to try something new. Only this time I didn't take into consideration that it had just rained and that the entire other side of the canyon base was rock. The rock was wet and slippery...my shoes were wet and muddy. I reached a point where I realized I physically was trapped. As I stood there with my hands holding the rock above me and my feet firmly planted I tried to find a way out of the situation I was in. I couldn't go backwards because to go down meant to possibly slip. There was on option but a narrow walk way about four regular steps to the next flat "landing". I determined within myself "Kate's you just gotta go, you have to." So I did, I ran 2 quick steps with a prayer and I made it.

In that moment, a lot of things could've happened. I had many options. I could've sat down and slide back down. I could've given up and called for help. I could've fallen in midst of my decision to just go for it. But in my mind, I literally convinced myself that there was only ONE option. I told myself going back isn't a choice. And when I was safely on the next landing I heard a voice "what if your entire life was like that choice?" What if you were that determined not to go back in everything you do? What if you pressed your way through all obstacles with that attitude? The life you would live if fear didn't run your decisions.

And in that moment it hit, my life can be one giant amazing adventure where I'm determined to "just go" or it can be one where once things get tough I revert back. Where the moment adversity hits I turn around and go back. Let's not get it twisted I was TERRIFIED to go up that canyon. It was wet, I have little experience, I didn't have hiking boots on, and did I mention I wasn't experienced. But one thing I was sure of...I was dertenined!!

I said all this to say, through my experience yesterday God truly showed me what life could be like. How amazing, beautiful, breathtaking and adventurous it could be. And all that is required from me is a decision that says "going back isn't a option"! I believe that is where He wants all His children. To come to a place in their life and heart that says "I will go forward". Sometimes all it takes is 2 quick terrifying steps to make it to the next landing!!

Until next time,
Kaitlyn Marie

The Journey...

I've often heard people say "it's not the destination that matters but the journey." They profess a belief in the end not mattering. That where you desire to end up or where your journey takes you isn't what matters most. However, it's about the path you take. It's about what your journey looks like. What your road consists of. 

That's all great, but let me ask you this...if the destination doesn't matter then where are you going? More importantly why? If we were to be honest with ourselves the destination is extremely important as is the journey. Truth be told, many of us are going no where fast. Getting things done just to add to the list of "accomplishments" but we have no real goal. No end or finish point in mind. We endlessly and aimlessly become doers of habit. 

We become a lifeless people who run down a check list of to-do's. On the outside our life looks productive. We stay busy and we appear to be making a great life for ourselves, our family, etc. But what good is it to have a full day or even a full life if we never get to feel the gratification of "I made it" or "I finished". How can we ever become finishers if we don't even know where the end goal is? 

I have been guilty of this in times past. Just floating through life doing but not knowing why. My journey has been...well busy! But my destination, that has been unclear. Until recently, when I really looked at what I want but more importantly what God wants for me. I have goals, visions and purposes. I have desires for things. Those are my destinations. To be more like Him, to be all He sees me as...those are the targets. My journey must match my destination. The road I take, the things I do, the words I speak, they all must align with what I envision. They must reflect where I say I want to be. If they dont, then I go back to aimlessly doing just to do. 

I said all that to say, find a destination. Find a why? Find a end point! When you do, make sure your journey matches where you say your trying to go! 

Until next time,

Kaitlyn 

"Am I...?"

"There is NOTHING more rare, nor more beautiful, than a woman being unapologetically herself; Comfortable in her perfect imperfection. To me, that is the true essence of beauty."-Steve Maraboli 

Growing up I wasn't one of the girls who got "dooped" from the false fairytales on tv. Be it a love story or a Disney princess, I wasn't one to gasp and sit in awe that one day that would be me. In all honesty I never really believed it would be. Every love story I had ever seen the girl was beautiful, fit and kind of for a lack of better words amazing. 

My mind didn't go to "one day that would be me" but rather thousands of "am I's". Am I pretty enough? Am I fit enough? Am I curvy enough? Am I good enough? Am I a wife? Am I wife material? Am I the wanted and chosen type? 

For years, with the help of the enemy and all the puppets he used, my answers to those questions were no. For years, I wasn't good enough. I wasn't pretty enough. I was the type, if I had a crush or was feeling a guy no one would know. I didn't have those giddy girl talks about who I liked. I never expressed it to friends and never showed the guys interest. I was shutting myself off to the possibility of the one thing I wanted.

The problem with the "Am I's", whatever you answer is how others will treat you as well. If you don't think you are pretty enough, good enough, small enough, etc you will close yourself off. When you do that you have this wall around your heart and an invisible sign on your forehead that says "unapproachable, back off"! And the very thing you desire you are forcing away because of your own beliefs.

"Whatsoever a man thinks so is he."-Proverbs 23:7 

Often times we sit around wondering where boaz is, never realizing we are telling men "do not approach" from our own inner "demons". Honey, if you don't think you are good enough why in the world should he? If you don't think you are pretty why would he approach you? You are giving off all the wrong vibes and you don't even know it. To want something that you don't think you are good enough for is like wanting something you will never have. It just doesnt work. 

So, if there is something you desperately don't like change it. If you aren't happy with your image, your flaws, your imperfections, etc don't expect a man to find joy in them. Men want a confident woman, not one that they have to continually convince they think they are pretty, or that they love them, or that they aren't fat, or that they like this or that. No body wants to spend all their time convincing their partner or spouse of something they don't believe. 

Honey, you want to do something? You want that happily ever after? You want that fairytale? Learn to love you just as you are! Learn to answer those "Am I's" with a confident YES!! That man can never love you beyond your love for yourself! Why? Because if you don't love you, you'll never believe he does. 

It's okay to be wanted! It's okay to want to be chosen. To want to be found beautiful in his sight. First you must know that you deserve all of that. And yes, regardless of what anyone has previously told you...even yourself, YOU ARE WORTH IT!!! You are good enough. You are pretty enough. 

Until next time,

Kaitlyn

Truth is...Life is a game!!!

My Pastor teaches us that God can be found in anything...if you're looking for Him. Lately, in this thing called life I have been determined to consciously look for God. For what He thinks, how He feels, how He sees things. I just have this desperation for Him, His character and His ways. My prayer this morning was that He would show me what I was missing. That He would open my eyes, so that I could continue in life. But not just continue, that I might go forth with my head high. With faith and peace like none other. That through today He would speak a revelation that would change not my circumstances but ME! He did just that.

I love all things sports. Correction, I love playing them. LOL! You won't catch me watching them much, I get bored easily. Playing them on the other hand, I enjoy that. I am by no means good at it either. LBVS! In fact, at most of them I'm pretty bad. Hey, I'm just being honest. My 3 favorite sports to play would have to be basketball, volleyball and softball. I work with children and currently at our summer camp I am the most active teacher they have. You will constantly hear them yelling "Ms Kaitlyn come play such and such with me." Be it catch, volleyball, kick ball and their favorite a one on one game of basketball. Now let me remind you I am NOT good, I play because I enjoy it. 

Today, a 11yr old who plays extremely well challenged me to a game. Now let me clarify, HE IS GOOD!!! He's the type that will shoot a 3 in your face and make it. He will take you to the whole and make it. The game went back and forth. Something in me, although I'm not the best player kept shooting. Everytime I got the ball I shot. I didn't play around and try to out handle him...I knew I couldn't. He was quick. But what I had on him was 2 things a determination and fire deep with in me that some little kid wouldn't beat me. Even though in all honest he may have been better. I started to get tired around the 30-40 point mark. But at that point in the game he had 8-10 points on me from shooting 3's. And I couldn't end the game until I won. 

Now, over 1hr into the game the score was 68-62. I was winning. I called it, next point wins! I had the ball and shot to win the game. I was tired. I was beat. But I won. And then, God spoke. His revelation almost brought me to my knees. 

"You won't look like you are winning all the time. Sometimes it will appear as if you are being dominated. But, it's all in your determination...to just keep shooting. To just keep moving. To just keep believing. To just keep going. To just keep playing. Life is a game. And just like this game, you only have two opponents. 1. Yourself and every lie or excuse you give yourself as to why you "cant"! 2. A little pint size enemy who really can't beat you no matter how hard he tries. That "kid" gave it everything he had but still loss. Why? Because you had the upper hand, he couldn't physically

reach you. So it is with the enemy. When in position he cannot touch you. He can appear like he is doing everything under the sun but he cannot cause you to loose. Only you can do that. Life is a game. Play to win. I have designed it for you to win but it won't just be handed to you. You have to want it. And no matter how inexperienced you feel, I will see to it that you will come out the winner."

So I say to you, keep things in perspective. Your enemy is pint size. He cannot beat you unless you give up. If it looks like defeat, hold on because that is not your promised end. And remember life is a game, play the game to win.

Until next time,

Kaitlyn

"You don't love Me"

I have been saved for 10 years. For 10 years I have recognized and labeled myself as a Christian, as a disciple. I have proclaimed and bragged on His great love for me. I have prayed, I have studied, I have served, given, paid tithes and offering. I have tried to better myself, laying my life down best I knew how and even tried my best to follow His commands. Well at least the ones I knew about. 

Self-interrogation and what I call #heartchecks are some difficult processes to go through. I mean you're basically being shown how messed up you really are. It's painful. It's hard to be shown yourself especially when it's something you just knew it couldn't be true. My Pastor has asked the question "Do you love God" several times, for illustration purposes, throughout the years. Of course, everyone answers yes without thought. Without evaluation all hands go up. Thinking to ourselves what kind of question is that.

Often times we skate through life avoiding the hard questions. We avoid questioning ourselves, in turn giving this wicked heart/being the benefit of the doubt. I mean whether in a church setting or not what Christian in their right mind would say they don't love God. But I ask, what Christian in their right mind would assume just because they profess a belief and a life lived for Him that somehow that equates to love. I mean it must right? Who would attend church, who would claim the life without first loving Him?

"If you love me, show it by doing what I've told you."John 14:15

In other versions it says "obey".

"Then Samuel said, Do you think all God wants are sacrifices---empty rituals just for show? He wants you to listen to Him! Plain listening is the thing, not staging a lavish religious production. Not doing what God tells you is far worse than fooling around in the occult. Getting self-important around God is far worse than making deals with your dead ancestors. Because you said No to God's command, he says No to your kingship."

And then, there it was, one day what seemed like out of no where a still small voice said "You don't love Me." I wept, I whined "but I do." Because I would never say it, He said it for me. Because I would never utter those words out of my mouth He said it. Little did I know I uttered it from my heart for years. For years I gave God the pieces of my life that I wanted Him to have. I gave Him access to parts of me while still holding onto what control I thought I had. And because I just knew there was no way He could use this wicked mess of a life for His glory I hide. I ran. I obeyed only when it was comfortable or when it wouldn't end in me making a fool of myself. I gave Him part of me. While He, He gave me all of Him. All His love, all His forgiveness, all His peace, all His character. For the first time I saw the true wickedness of my heart and I was broken. Yet and still He loved me as He comforted me.

"Daughter I have not shown you truth to break you or shame you but to get your attention. If anything were to happen I would hate to meet you at my gates and you not be allowed in. Find your place sitting at my feet and doing what I instruct."

Sometimes the word hurts. It was designed to. The word is a two edged sword designed to cut and divide the soul from  the spirit. This blog may not sit well with some and that is okay. But I ask you this, just like He asked me, "Do you really love Him?"

Until next time,
Kaitlyn Marie

"Return to Sender"

Have you ever got mail that wasn't yours? How about sending something and it being sent back? Maybe you wrote the address wrong. Maybe the person you intended it for moved. Whatever the reason, the letter or package delivery was denied! 

I have been preparing for a trip to Atlanta this week, in that preparation because I believe the trip is purposeful the enemy has come fairly strong. Nothing new of course, but nonetheless hurtful....IF I allow it. You see in order for us to be tripped up, caught up, torn up...in order for him to gain ground over us a few things must take place. First off, we have to deny truth. When we get down, depressed, sad, let our circumstances be all we see, etc we must believe whatever the enemy is suggesting. We believe whatever is being said, done, etc is our end product. In order to do that we have to deny truth. We have to deny what God says, has said, etc. Second, when we choose the lies over God that is like saying "this is just too big for Him." In saying that, you are taking away from who He is. 

So, back to me and my preparation. LOL! For the past few weeks I have had so many....um, tests if you will. This week, I had to make the decision to either entertain foolishness or stand firm in what I know to be true which is God is my protector. I had a certain person repeatedly tell me that I would be rapped or kidnapped in ATL. Or you know, planes crash all the time, you shouldn't go. Well, guess what? As I type this blog ON THE PLANE, I'm going. However, it was on me and me alone to choose what I will believe. 

Now, those of you that don't know my story are probably wondering why such foolish talk was a test for me. But when I was 10 years old my brother started molesting me. And while living in Alabama in 2010 I was almost rapped. So, for a person to joke about that was a touchy place. However, like I said it was on me which "truth" I would believe. I could travel or worst live in fear or I could stamp those lies "return to sender". As a result, choosing to live from my free place. The place where I know whose I am. The place where I know I am protected. This week, I choose my free place. I choose God's truth over the lies of the enemy. Some of you reading this need to tell that thought, idea, rehearsed experience, etc "return to sender"! And never return to those places that previously tripped you up.

Until next time, 

Kaitlyn Marie