I've been through my share of hard times in my lifetime. I grew up in a non affectionate household. One in which the most love one received is a joke at your expense or shoving you or bumping into you as they walk past. When repeatedly being told I was doing something wrong I was often met with the excuse "you know that's just him saying he loves you." At the tender age of 10 I started being molested by a family member. Only to be told I was lying and how could I do this to the family when I finally came out and confessed what was being done to me. It was at that moment that I truly owned the thought "your voice doesn't matter." If people knew this, if they knew of my past they would understand why I struggle with hugs. They would know why I don't like people in my space. People would understand why I still cringe when people I don't yet trust touch me.
From then on I vowed to myself to never let anyone else hurt me the way I grew up being hurt. I would be in control. So, no matter how bad I wanted relationships I kept everyone at a arms length. Truth is, I didn't know how to love because I had never been shown what it really looked like. And when love Himself showed up, I couldn't accept it. I had been degraded so much that I couldn't believe He could love a flawed and imperfect person like me. I saw the wickedness of my heart, I saw my past, I heard my thoughts replaying...in my logically mind, He couldn't love me.
My outward stance portrayed my inner hurt. I was stand off-ish, non engaging, I was often the one to observe but never speak. I was labeled the mean one, the hateful one. I was often told how I offended people simply by not welcoming them. I was told I was rude, a horrible people person, etc. I was often picked on and called out because I didn't engage. I have been judged in the places I never thought I would be. Before ever getting to know me I was labeled.
I have been physically and mentally abused for years. I've faced homelessness. I've had to depend on people for even the most basic of needs more times than I can count. I still live in the house I got molested in, I still walk past the rooms I was touched in. In 2010 I was almost raped. I have had more people walk out on me than I've had stay. I have had friends who have chosen to suffer in silence because they wish not to be a burden. I've had people go through hell and back without ever knowing anything. I've heard stories of people who commit suicide and family or friends say "I was just with them, I knew nothing. I wish I paid more attention."
I don't tell these stories, I don't share my "secret" pains for a pity party. Instead to tell you, YOU HAVE NO IDEA what people go through. Often times we walk past, overlook and judge the ones hurting the most. You didn't speak to me today, I haven't heard from you in a week, I'm tired of being the one to reach out, he/she always looks mean, he/she won't talk to me, etc. We put labels on people we never take the time to understand. Have you ever once prayed for them? Have you gone to the throne room of God and asked Him for insight into their heart, hurt and lives? Have you asked to understand them?
I have been on both sides of this. I have been the one who is judged. The one who is labeled because I'm stand off-ish. The one who is talked about because I'm still growing. The one who is judged because I'm still healing. But I have also been the one assuming, judging and labeling. They don't have time for me, the relationship must have been seasonal, they must be mad at me, this always happens to me, they and them this or that. Pointing the finger and judging before I take any time to pray.
If I have learned anything this past year, it's that we often have no idea what hell, hurt or torment others have gone or are going through. We have no idea what pain has pierced their hearts. We have no idea why they are the way they are. Instead of jumping to conclusions, instead of judging a book by its cover we should take into consideration the fact that often times people have complete wars going on that we know nothing about.
If only we could learn to have a compassionate response. If only we could have a understanding and prayerful response. You have no idea what I've been through. Most have no idea what I'm going through. You have no idea what someone else has going on. You are not the only person in this fight called life. You are not the only one being attacked. You are not the only one going through. You are not the only one with a painful past. You are not the only one being tested and tried. And you have no idea what those around you go through. Have a little compassion! Have a little understanding! Pray a little! Have a response that covers instead of exposing!
Until next time,
Kaitlyn
I have been on both sides of this. I have been the one who is judged. The one who is labeled because I'm stand off-ish. The one who is talked about because I'm still growing. The one who is judged because I'm still healing. But I have also been the one assuming, judging and labeling. They don't have time for me, the relationship must have been seasonal, they must be mad at me, this always happens to me, they and them this or that. Pointing the finger and judging before I take any time to pray.
If I have learned anything this past year, it's that we often have no idea what hell, hurt or torment others have gone or are going through. We have no idea what pain has pierced their hearts. We have no idea why they are the way they are. Instead of jumping to conclusions, instead of judging a book by its cover we should take into consideration the fact that often times people have complete wars going on that we know nothing about.
If only we could learn to have a compassionate response. If only we could have a understanding and prayerful response. You have no idea what I've been through. Most have no idea what I'm going through. You have no idea what someone else has going on. You are not the only person in this fight called life. You are not the only one being attacked. You are not the only one going through. You are not the only one with a painful past. You are not the only one being tested and tried. And you have no idea what those around you go through. Have a little compassion! Have a little understanding! Pray a little! Have a response that covers instead of exposing!
Until next time,
Kaitlyn
