For about the past month or so God has really been dealing with me and speaking to me about honor and privilege. Honor is defined as high respect, esteem, glory, recognition and great privilege. Privilege is a special right, advantage, or immunity granted or available only to a particular person or group of people. My sister and I have been joking around the last few weeks about how we can NOT go to church wearing make-up anymore. But we were so serious. We can NOT enter into the presence of God and not weep with joy. On Saturday I texted my sister and told her "I was crying so bad during prayer, the worship part, because I really just want to go to the depths of His presence and never leave." She said, "I know right!!!! Me too!!! I can't not cry whenever I step into His presence." We started out joking about it because without fail we show up fly, make-up on point yet we leave with raccoon eyes. LOL!! But then my mind shifted to when that was not the case for me. The times when I had the audacity to stand in the presence of God and not love on Him. How I could just stand there so consumed with myself that I never even thanked Him for allowing me to stand there!!!! We as a people get so spoiled with everyday life and the things that we feel we are "owed" that we never stop to realize that EVERYTHING we have was given to us!
I have been in such a place of gratefulness lately because I did NOT have to be here. I did NOT have to be chosen! Today at church I was so turnt up(I HATE THAT TERM LOL), but then they showed a clip of Jesus death. The clip brought me to tears and as I stood there trying to hold it together the tears just began to flow freely. And for the first time all that was going through my mind was "Thank you Jesus, you did that for ME." At that moment, I realized my shift and my growth. For years and years I would get mad at God like "Why can't you just change me? Why doesn't the sight of what you did break me and touch the depths of my heart like everyone else?" You see for all of my salvation, over 7 years, I have seen clips of His death. I have seen The Passion Of Christ several times but every time without fail I close my eyes as if it is a fictional horror movie! I would close my eyes from the time they start beating Him until He died. So then I would get even more angry and of course turn that towards God like, "Why can't I feel this? Why can't I feel what you did?"
Ah-ha!! Finally my light-bulb moment hit today, until recently I had NEVER took ownership of it. I mean I knew everyone said He died for everyone but I never took ownership that EVERY single wipe was taken for me. It never crossed my mind that when He was being beat beyond recognition He had "lil ol' me in mind". The person that would turn on Him time and time again for years. He seen every time I would deny Him, every time I would disobey Him, every time I would choose myself over Him and yet He still chose a life of death…FOR ME!!!
For me to walk into His presence without giving Him the thanks, praise and honor He DESERVES is basically to spit in His face and makes me no better than those that crucified Him. To enter into the presence of someone who can heal, restore, love with an everlasting love…someone that took on death for YOU and not honor Him is a slap in the face to Him. To be in His presence is a PRIVILEGE! In Matthew 22:14 it says "For many are called, but few are chosen." There are people dying out there. There are people out there that go through day to day life not realize that death is knocking on their door and they will not make it into heaven. There are people who are sick, broken and lost. Yet we, who know God, can come into His presence any kind of what…when we come!
This is by no means a rebuke to anyone. It is simply my reflections on my own life and the shift He has caused in me! He gave me a desire to worship Him. Philippians 2:13 says "For God is working in you, giving you the desire and power to do what pleases Him." I don't even take credit for this ability to be broken before Him every time I step into His presence. I am privileged enough to be one of His chosen and with that comes the desire to do what pleases Him. With that comes His character. With that privilege comes everything i could ever need or want. You see, at the moment I became COMPLETELY satisfied with God and nothing else was the moment He broke the chains of dishonor off of me.
If you want to break free of that place ask God to place that desire to do what pleases Him inside of you. Also take ownership of His death. He didn't die because of something He did wrong, He died because you were messed up and needed Him! He died so you could live. He took on death so you could be free. He got beat so you could be seen blemish free before God. Its not enough to know of what Jesus did, you must understand that He did it for you. And if He died for me the least I could do is act like I owe Him everything, especially in His presence!!
Until Next time,
Love y'all
Kaitlyn
